I work with so many people who are struggling to find love. They want it. They invest quite a bit of time and energy into finding it. Yet love remains elusive.
There is a lot “wrong” with the way we date today. Technology has replaced organic connection. The way we interact with one another has grown more detached and callous because we’ve disconnected from the natural, emotional reciprocity that occurs when human beings share the same physical space. We’ve become more superficial and inauthentic. In a world where you can be discarded by a mere swipe of a finger, we must appear as something that we assume others want, regardless of what we actually are. The instant gratification of sexual promiscuity validates us much easier than investing in the long-term satisfaction of a meaningful connection. And the friends. Coworkers. Family members. Everyone telling us that we deserve better, that this one or that one isn’t good enough and should be eliminated. He doesn’t have a good job and she is too needy. Something is wrong with everyone. There is a valid reason to dismiss everyone.
Why is all of this happening? Because we live in a feel-good, it’s all about me world.
But the real breakdown is the stalemate of singlehood. The way we respond to a world where everyone is in the game for themselves, the way we adapt and survive, is to become the same.
You might see yourself as generous, kind, patient and a lot of other qualities you believe make you a good potential partner to someone. But if you’re single and struggling, I promise you that you aren’t as in tune with yourself as you think. You may BE all of those things at the core. However, it’s how you’re showing up to others that counts. When you’re busy playing the game, you aren’t free to be who you really are. And this is what most of us are doing. Playing the game. In order to get ahead. In order to win. At love.
Here’s what the game looks like. We desperately want love. To love someone and be loved back. Yet, we are terrified of being hurt, of not measuring up, of being alone, of all of it. So our subconscious mind finds ways to protect us from the very thing we want, because it’s scary. Most of us today do this by creating very rigid expectations of how another should interact with us in order to prove that they want us, that they are good enough for us to take that risk. Any action that falls short of this expectation deems them unworthy, too much of a risk. So we discard them and move on. It goes like this “Well he didn’t text me back right away” or “She cancelled because she was sick” or “He told me he couldn’t hang out because he was busy with his friends” or “She got mad because I was late meeting her.” We call it a red flag and move onto the next. We fail to consider the humanness in anyone else. Their circumstances and their fears. We even go so far as to label positive behaviors as red flags. “He wants to hang out like every day” or “She wants me to meet her friends, it’s too soon, she must be a clinger.” It’s absurd when you really think about it. We are all so afraid of each other that we play this perpetual game of one-up over who can care less, who can be less attached. And we expect to find love in the midst of that.
But love isn’t a game. And you can’t succeed at it by treating it as such. It’s impossible. To be “in love” is to truly share yourself with another and allow that person to share themselves with you. Love is only possible with time, courage, authenticity and acceptance. It takes time and effort to get to know someone, to develop a meaningful relationship, to build a foundation that will be strong enough to last through all of the trials and tribulations of life. It takes courage to risk the disappointment and pain you may feel if a relationship doesn’t work out. It takes being vulnerable and generous with your spirit, allowing someone to see your true self for them to ever be able to really love you. It takes accepting that people are imperfect and will hurt you. Not intentionally, but they will. And the closer you get to someone, the more their shortcomings impact you. But that’s love. It’s scary. It’s a gamble. It’s easier to play it safe and find reasons not to give people a chance. But that won’t lead you to love.
Throw up the white flag. Surrender. Let love in. <3
For a more personalized path to finding love, schedule a free consult with me.