Guilt kills. Not literally, of course. But it does kill your spirit, confidence, effectiveness and connection with others. So it’s no wonder that human beings work diligently to avoid guilt. We lie, deny, justify, shift blame, invalidate and do a hundred other things to NOT feel guilty.

Here’s the problem. Guilt is a feeling that lingers and eats away at us. It doesn’t serve us in any way. To feel guilt is to carry the weight – and shame – of the past into the present. Intuitively, we know that doesn’t serve us and we resist being labeled as guilty, or to blame. But in the process, we fail to OWN what we have to own.

Ownership is not the same thing as guilt. Ownership actually does serve us. It allows us acknowledge that we’ve made a mistake, caused someone hurt or disappointment and provide closure for ourselves and others. Imagine how it feels when someone hurts you and refuses to accept responsibility for that. It makes us feel worse. We hold a grudge and develop resentment. We lose trust. And, if it continues, we lose relationships.

It’s important to understand the distinction between guilt and ownership, instead of collapsing the two. No one wants to carry guilt, or the shame that’s attached to it. And we shouldn’t. But we absolutely should be responsible for and own up to the moments when we hurt someone or let someone down. When we own that, we acknowledge that something we did or did not do left someone else feeling bad. In the moment we own it, it gets complete. And even if it comes back up again, meaning that something triggers the memory of that hurt for someone – just simply acknowledging it again instead of denying it, defending it or justifying it, makes all the difference and creates a clear and open space for the relationship.

Your power is in your ownership, not in pretending you’re perfect. You’re not fooling anyone anyway.

In summary, own your shit – then everyone can release it and move on. <3

One of the hottest, and most common, issues my clients bring to me is the issue of sex.  S.E.X. For a lot of people, having a conversation about sex ends up either casually callous or considered private and personal. In my experience, both of these are just dichotomous ways of avoiding a real conversation about a real issue in relationships. Sure, some folks out there have a healthy sexuality coupled with a confident self expression of said sexuality, a genuine attunement to their partner(s) and the ability to give and enjoy climax; the way sex should be. But if we relinquish our egos for just a moment, we see that most human beings experience some degree of suppression or dysfunctional expression, some  dysfunction, when it comes to sex. I get it. You really want to believe that this does not apply to you. It may not. But it probably does.

Sex as Validation.

In a world where true connection is sparse, human beings still innately yearn to be connected to one another, to feel wanted, valued, desired. This longing isn’t at all sexual in nature, but it gets translated into any form necessary to get that fix we need. We post pictures and brag subtly about our lives to make ourselves seem desirable and important, to fish for compliments that validate our existence. Sex, for many, has become another source of validation for our egos. Sure, sex is also pleasurable. But sex is most pleasurable when we’re connected to a person, when we know their desires, what they enjoy and deeper than that, who they are and how their essence exudes in a sexual experience. Instead, we use sex as a way to feel validated. If someone is willing to have sex with us, that means we are wanted, attractive, better than, desirable. Most often, when I work with clients who have a revolving door of sexual partners, we discover that there is an underlying fear or inability to authentically connect with others, spawning from an insecurity that leaves them needed an external source of validation. Sexuality becomes the means to that end.

Sexual Suppression.

Fear, and all of it’s mechanisms, run the show for most of our lives, however blissfully unaware of this we may be. And sex is no different. When we are so concerned with looking good and being good enough in every aspect of life, our neurology generates an algorithm for survival that shows up in the bedroom no differently. I’ve had people share things with me from preferring the lights off to keeping a shirt on to avoiding certain positions during sex to avoid looking less-than-sexy doing the deed. I also encounter a lot of women who are timid or fearful about expressing what they want or like physically from their partner(s).Other forms of insecurity and fear are more subtle, like the conversation in your head about your performance, about getting her off, about lasting long enough and for the women, faking orgasms to spare his ego or to put an end to an experience that isn’t pleasurable. I’ve got some bad news for you. If you’re doing any of these things, or any variation of these things, you are suppressed in your sexuality and not fully present during sex.

Sexual Aggression.

People generally respond to suppression in two ways. The first is with passivity which, when it comes to sex, looks like the examples above. Essentially, the passive response to suppression is to accept it and “people please.” The alternate response to suppression is aggression. With sex, that typically gets expressed with a one-sided, dominant experience. That’s not to say that this type of sex can’t be pleasurable for both partners. Just that what’s underlying may be an unhealthy expression, particularly when the dominant partner isn’t really concerned or connected with the experience of the other, and is primarily focused on their own expression and desires.

Porn: Fueling the suppression/aggression dynamic

I won’t make a case for pornography being inherently bad. It may or may not be, but that isn’t my angle here. What porn absolutely is,  however, is detrimental to true sexual connection between partners. The problem with porn is that it becomes, for many, a guideline or expectation for what sex could, or should, be like. And that’s not at all based in reality. It’s quite the opposite. Porn is acting, it’s fantasy. When we fail to recognize that, it becomes problematic and reinforces both sexual suppression and aggression. If we can’t be fully and completely present and self expressed in the experience of sex because of expectation, ultimately both partners are missing out on what the experience could be like.

For men, primarily, frequenting porn or using porn as a how-to causes a tremendous disconnect when it comes to sex. An unrealistic expectation develops of how women think, act and feel about foreplay and intercourse. That expectation keeps you from being present to the cues and communication of your partner. For both men and women, the expectation to perform and be like the actors gets internalized and one’s true sexual desires and pleasures get suppressed beneath the expectation. Insecurity around meeting the expectation replaces authentic self expression of sexuality. As I mentioned before, sometimes the response to this suppression becomes aggression, which is only reinforced by the aggressive nature of quite a bit of pornography, leaving the “aggressor” none the wiser to his own sexual dysfunction and to the dysfunction being put on his partner.

Sex in Relationships

Because sex is an emotional experience for women, sex that lacks connection will often leave a woman feeling disinterested, particularly in relationships where this becomes the norm. Combine that with the insecurity/expectation dynamic and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. If a woman is consistently not getting what she wants from sex, that suppression will lead to either acceptance in the way of avoiding or refusing sex or faking orgasms to end the experience as quickly as possible. Or, alternatively, she will react with aggression, by way of proactively seeking out a source of emotional connection, be it an affair or some other way of disconnecting from the relationship and developing connection elsewhere. In essence, if you are not allowing yourself to be fully present and connected to your partner during sex, the sexual experiences and the relationship will be impacted.

For men, sex is more primal and egoistic in nature than it is for women. Vulnerability and communication is also more challenging for men. When men want something from sex, they are more likely to use the aggression approach initially and to simply take it. However, in relationships this tends to dwindle as their suppressed partner becomes disengaged. When ego is at play and facing failure or weakness, validation often takes precedence over communication, which can also lead to some form of infidelity or outward validation seeking.

When the sexual relationship starts to break down, all of the insecurities and expectations start to reinforce and perpetuate the dysfunction. Having a healthy and satisfying sex life takes an openness and willingness to communicate verbally, to be present to pleasure cues, to letting go of expectations and insecurities and to surrendering yourself to a free flowing and organic experience.

I get it. It’s a harsh world out there for singles. Things have gotten seemingly impossible on the dating front. Feminism has swept in, suppressing men in all sorts of ways. A lot of guys have responded to that with extremes. On one hand, you’ve got the guys desperate for a meaningful connection with no idea how to find it. On the other, you’ve got the fuckboys, terrified of meaningful connections and desperate for validation and attention. Social media has become a cesspool of both; the perfect outlet for hounding women by the masses, playing a numbers game in hopes of finding someone to take the bait.

It must be exhausting, guys!! Think of all the time spent inboxing all those ladies…you’d probably be halfway done with an MBA or traveled halfway across the world with that time. Maybe met a nice chick in your corporate finance class or connected with a beautiful Italian goddess on some nude beach. Instead, you sit on your couch scrolling and scrolling, messaging and messaging, hoping to find what you’re looking for https://prasethpheapfinance.com/ finance legend.

To the guys out there still swimming around in your own unresolved issues, looking for women desperate enough to fuel your constant need for attention but too insecure to ever give someone your heart, this isn’t for you. Should the time come that you find the courage to connect with your authentic self and true desire for love, reach out to me for a free consult.

For the rest of you guys, the ones really searching for that special someone to share your life with, this is for you. After hundreds of conversations with single women, I’ve created a how-to (or how-not-to) on connecting with women.

When sliding into a girl’s DM, proceed with caution. This strategy is so overused that Facebook has now created their own dating software. Women get messages like this everyday. Its unoriginal, tired and a little creepy at times. If you’re going to resort to this tactic, do it with some tact.

• Do NOT begin the conversation with “Hey gorgeous”, “Hey [insert pet name]” or any other variation of this.
• DO introduce yourself as if you were meeting her face to face.

• Do NOT compliment her on her looks. It makes you seem superficial, egotistical and, again, creepy.
• DO offer a genuine compliment that shows you’ve taken an authentic interest in her life.

• Do NOT send unsolicited photos of yourself. Not selfies, not your kids, not your car, and definitely not your junk.
• Do NOT ask her to send photos of herself to you. If you’re already creeping her social media, you’ve seen as much as you deserve as a stranger.

• Do NOT talk about sex. Or anything sexual. Don’t ask her what her favorite position is, don’t tell her you’re a freak, don’t ask her to sit on your face. Just stop.
• DO ask her what she enjoys, about her hobbies, favorite foods….clues on where to take her should you keep it cool long enough to get her to agree to meeting you. Keep the conversation light, avoid any serious topics like politics, religion, past relationships, childhood trauma, etc.

If at any point, you don’t get a response or the chick lets you know she’s not interested, move along gracefully. There’s no need to throw a temper tantrum, start insulting her or any other display of your butt-hurtness. You are not entitled to anyone’s time. She doesn’t owe you anything. Remember, you’ve been playing a numbers game all along and you know it. Next!

If, however, things are going well and she seems interested in getting to know you, there are some other things to be mindful of.

Wait, rewind. Let’s back up for just a quick sec. How do you know she’s interested in getting to know you??? If she’s engaging in the conversation, meaning thoughtful responses and reciprocal questions. If you’re getting one word answers, it’s a dead end.

Okay, back to it. Conversation is flowing between you and this lovely lady. What next? Allow me to throw you a curve ball. Ask if it’s okay to call her. WHOA, now. Remember the good old days when you had to call a girl on the phone? Well, maybe not. But it was a thing and here’s why. It’s really impossible to form an organic connection, sense real chemistry and build healthy sexual tension over a screen. Texting and messaging just doesn’t allow for all of those warm fuzzy feelings you get from looking into a person’s eyes or hearing their voice. So cut the immature, lazy crap and step up your game. Ask her if you can call her to get to know her better. If she says yes, congrats!! If she says no, refer to three paragraphs up.

So now, if you’ve made it far enough to get her phone number, kudos. You’re killing it and learning some valuable stuff along the way. Now you actually have to call her. I know, I know, it’s way scarier than sitting behind the safety of your phone screen typing. Now you’ve gotta put your communication skills to the test. Here are some tips.

• Ask questions and engage in active listening. Take in what she’s saying. It’ll help you get to know and understand her and what she’s looking for, ie. so you can provide it. (Remember that crazy time before feminism when men were considered the providers?? That doesn’t just mean money, bros. It means security, happiness, etc.)
• Don’t whine and complain about your job, finances, ex girlfriend, dog with explosive diarrhea, or anything else. Being able to bitch about life is one of the perks of a relationship, but you’re not there yet. She’s sizing you up for your character, your ability to be strong, adaptable, proactive, lead and handle shit.
• Don’t talk about yourself constantly to impress her. Instead, be vulnerable and share something personal. Authenticity breeds authenticity. Nothing makes a girl feel more safe than a guy willing to let down his guard and be real with her.
• Take the initiative and show effort. Do what you say you’ll do, don’t leave her hanging and when she agrees to go out with you, take the time to plan something that acknowledges her interests (you should have been paying attention to this!!) Hint: Don’t take her to Applebees. If she’s a vegan, find a cool vegan spot. If she says she’s always wanted to go to Paris, find a Parisian restaurant. If she’s competitive and loves sports, take her ax throwing. Make her feel special, like she isn’t just a number in the game.

Finally, if you feel like you’ve found someone special, go all in. Give up the game altogether. Stop messaging other women. Brag about her to your friends and family. Treat her right and marry her before some other poor guy behind a screen slides into her DM. ; )

When we focus on ourselves, we can easily gather all the evidence we need not to care about responsibilities, expectations, our own hopes and dreams and, worst of all, one another. Every time something doesn’t go as planned, we’re confronted with adversity or another human being hurts us, we’re faced with the temptation to say “screw it” and throw in the towel. Give up. On our jobs, our families, our relationships and our own aspirations. But to respond to circumstance with apathy is really just a mask for cowardice. You’ve been hurt, disappointed, let down, failed and you don’t want to risk facing that again. It’s EASIER to walk away, to dismiss that responsibility, that goal or that person and just give up.

APATHY = FEAR.

Human beings weren’t meant to be disconnected from one another. We are social creatures, dependent on community. We do not thrive, or even survive, in isolation. Yet apathy is a psychological tool we use to separate ourselves from one another. And it’s completely inauthentic. Inherently, human beings long for love, acceptance and socialization with other humans. But that isn’t possible with apathy. It’s only possible with empathy.

Empathy is the ability to step outside of your own thoughts, emotions, experience, expectations and “needs” and to put yourself into the mindset of another human being. To really GET that your reality is only yours and that people have their own perception and experience. And that each is valid. Empathy is giving up the need to be right or heard or validated and being committed to understanding someone else. It’s allowing someone the grace, tolerance, acceptance, patience and forgiveness they need in their humanness. It’s having the courage to keep moving forward knowing you may be hurt or let down or fail, but that the privilege to simply BE with another human being, sharing their time and space, contributing to their life and gaining in return, is well worth the risk. Empathy is embracing your innate connection to other human beings absent of expectation or fear. It creates a space for you to be your authentic self and for others to be theirs. And THAT is a powerful place to come from.

Stop giving up on your responsibilities. On your dreams. On the people you care about. Life is hard and messy, that’s the price we pay for being alive. Toss out your drawer full of apathy and try on something new. EMPATHY = LOVE.

“Toxic masculinity” offers a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. The term refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth. Toxic masculinity is a lie and here’s why.

If you haven’t seen the Gillette ad, you can watch it here.

This self-described film is merely an illustration of the way the term “toxic masculinity” collapses inherent maleness with abusive and toxic behavior. Towards the end of the video, we see a line of men robotically repeating the words “boys will be boys.” This comes after a barrage of video clips showing men engaged in sexual harassment, aggression and violence. What’s problematic about this is the implication that boys being boys equals sexual exploitation and physical aggression, and that as a culture, we are tolerant of this. The natural response to such a culture is, of course, fear and loathing. So what happens when we, as women, fear and loathe men? And what happens when men fear and loathe themselves?

Herein lies the impact of this concept of “toxic masculinity.”

The Gillette ad, and furthermore our society, has been perpetuating a cultural notion that masculinity is “bad” and that we live under an evil patriarchy where “bad” men get away with very “bad” behavior. Only it isn’t true. In this country, people who commit crimes like rape, sexual assault and violence are prosecuted and penalized. There are organizations, awareness advocacy and movements against bullying. Men who are sexually promiscuous or sexually exploitative toward women suffer consequences. There is nothing about our culture that actually condones or tolerates these behaviors. Nor are these behaviors descriptive of MASCULINITY.

Let’s look a little deeper. Sure there are men who behave this way. There are men who “play” women, who cheat and lie. There are men who abuse women physically and emotionally. There are men who use their “male privilege” to justify, “mansplain” and to get ahead in the corporate world. There are men who rape and assault women. And there are women who do the same. In fact, I don’t know a single man who displays more toxic masculinity that I see from radical feminists. According to feminism, we should devalue our inherent femininity as mothers and nurturers and instead berate men, abuse men, avoid marriage, collect sexual partners, bully other women and children who don’t share the same views and even falsely accuse men of rape. Basically, we should use any means necessary to get what we want, even if it exploits other human beings, because we are women. Isn’t that the exact same thing feminists describe as toxic masculinity???

So if toxic masculinity is so toxic, why are we being encouraged by feminism to engage in it as women? Will that somehow make us more powerful than men? No thanks. I’d rather embrace my God-given femininity and allow men to do the same with their masculinity.

There are men who are great fathers, who work hard at juggling career and family, who treat women with respect. There are men who are husbands, fathers, leaders, coaches, teachers, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, pastors and preachers. There are men who, when confident in their inherent gifts of true masculinity, make the world a better place. There are women who are mothers, wives, nurses, teachers, coaches, entrepreneurs, pastors and preachers making the world a better place. We do this when we bring authenticity. When we lack authenticity, we lack integrity and nothing works.

Look around. The statistics on divorce, on single motherhood, on people no longer interested in marriage or parenthood. Relationships aren’t working and it’s a massive breakdown in our society. The source of it is in-authenticity. Men don’t get to be men and women don’t get to be women. We were designed to be a perfect compliment to one another, yet none of us is fulfilling that role. Men aren’t celebrated for their natural ability to be assertive, to make decisions, to lead, to coach, to protect and provide. They are devalued as fathers, suppressed as husbands and reduced to little worth beyond generating income. Men who behave in toxic ways are not the majority, they don’t represent the norm. They’re merely lashing out in rebellion to the suppression they sense but can’t quite pinpoint. Other men succumb to the suppression, swallowing the self-loathing being branded onto them by the propagation of “toxic masculinity.” They no longer know or trust themselves to function as men. They can’t make decisions or take the initiative, they let a woman do it for them. Because they don’t want to be “bad.” Then we, as women, complain about how ineffective and unassertive they are.

And what about the women? What’s the real impact on us?

When we don’t allow men to be men, to provide and protect and lead, we lose the security God intended for us inside of His perfect gift of marriage. We are forced to show up in protection of ourselves, creating a world of excuses and defense mechanisms for why we don’t want or “need” a man. We are forced to forego motherhood, the greatest gift of all, in exchange for financial stability. We are forced to play the role of breadwinner, manager, mother, father, teacher, nurse, housekeeper and on and on and on. We are robbed of peace, security, and most importantly, LOVE. We are on our own, in it for and by ourselves. And everything we tell ourselves about girl power and independence won’t give us access to what we truly, authentically, crave. The provision, protection and love of a partner.

As long as we continue to suppress our own authentic nature, everyone loses. But there is hope, always.

Click the link to learn more about my collaboration with the Head & Heart Project and discover your path to a powerful and joyful relationship today.

I see you. I hear you. I feel your pain. I know your desperation. To be heard, to be valued, to be empowered for, by, through and of your womanhood.

But here’s the thing…the thing we are missing as females….

Behaving like men, bashing men, devaluing men or pushing men away doesn’t actually get us heard or valued or empowered. What it does get us is angry, bitter, cynical, resigned, fearful and lonely. And powerless.

I’m an activist. I get activism. And sometimes activism takes force. But activism only works when we remain authentic to ourselves and our cause. Modern feminism has done neither. It hasn’t only devalued masculinity, which most certainly has benefits to families, children, relationships and society – it has also devalued our inherent femininity, which is an inherently beautiful and powerful thing.

Our femininity is emotional, nurturing, gentle, graceful, patient and generous. It’s what allows us to be good mothers, wives, friends and caretakers. It’s what gives us strength and resilience. Femininity has been the foundation, the groundedness, throughout countless dark and uncertain times of history. Our femininity is a gift, and one that is unique to us women. It is the source of our true power.

Feminism has all but abandoned femininity. We have become loud, crude and aggressive in our activism and in our homes. We have become bossy, demanding, emotionally unavailable, sexually promiscuous and fiercely independent. We have adopted the very thing we claim to oppose, “toxic masculinity.” And therein lies the breakdown of the feminist movement. We’ve lost our authenticity, as women. And in doing so, we have surrendered our power.

Everywhere I look, I see single feminists pretending to be happy. We proclaim our liberation from men with hashtags like #single4life. We declare our loathing for men over cocktails with our single friends. Yet, beneath the false apathy lies a sincere longing for a happy and healthy connection to a good and honorable man. We lie to ourselves. Maybe because we’ve been conditioned to be so fearful of men that we can’t acknowledge wanting one. Maybe because we don’t want to betray our fellow feminists by selling out. Maybe because we don’t want to be accountable for the reality that we are the ones parading around with toxic masculinity and devaluing other human beings.

Whatever the case, we can’t reasonably expect to simultaneously hate men and be loved by them.

We can’t reasonably expect to create change with hypocrisy and inauthenticity.

We can’t reasonably expect to be powerful when we abandon the source of our power.

What we CAN do is embrace who are. We can use our true, innate power to create anything we want for ourselves. We can be honest with ourselves and with others about what it is that we want. We can be courageous enough to put ourselves out there, to try again at love even though we may have been hurt by a man who didn’t know how to be a man. We can still rise up and BE WOMEN.

It’s okay to admit that you can’t or don’t want to do it all alone.

It’s okay to admit that deep down, you want a man to love and be loved by.

It’s okay to admit that men aren’t BAD.

It’s even okay to use your feminine superpowers to support, encourage, nurture and love a man who wants to love you back, even if he isn’t perfect, which he won’t be.

It’s perfectly okay to be feminine. In fact, it’s better than okay. It’s authentic. It’s organic. It’s strong, courageous, kind, capable, bold, beautiful and POWERFUL. It’s who you are, when you wipe away the fear.

So girl, be your best you. Live your best life. Be empowered. Fly high. Chase your dreams. Make a difference. Use your superpowers. But remember, those powers aren’t found in screaming, emasculating, bashing or even in a vagina hat. They’re not found in your feminism, but in your femininity.

With love, hope & faith in you and the sisterhood of the world,

Kristin

For many years, I have experienced tremendous anguish over the condition of the world and, in particular, the breakdown in family values, marital values and Christian values. Everywhere we look, we see divorce and single parenthood, we see cynicism, resentment and fear inside and out of relationships, we see men blaming women and women blaming men. We see true masculinity and true femininity being devalued and suppressed. We see misery, desperation, loneliness and brokenness. We see children lost, misguided and suffering.

• Leave the past where it belongs, behind you. We have a tendency to hang on to stuff we don’t really need. Experiences and emotional pain are certainly no exception. The truth is that we have no reason to hang onto the things that have hurt us before. If it isn’t happening right now, then it has no real power over us. Forgive. Accept. Close the door. Declare that the past has no place in your present.
• Unclutter your space. Just as we tend to hang onto past experiences, we also love to junk up our lives with things we don’t need and that don’t serve us. Get rid of anything that isn’t bringing you peace or joy, or that distracts you from your passion and purpose in life. Donate your extra clothes to a shelter. Sell your gaming system and put the cash in your savings account. Clean off your desk at work. Having a clear space allows for better focus and more inner peace.
• Heal yourself. Most of us are guilty of neglecting ourselves in the form of our mental and physical health. If you’re not 100%, it’s difficult to be effective in any area of your life. Commit to caring for your body and mind. Eat healthy foods, drink water, move your body, meditate, get enough sleep. Do all of the things your body wants you to do, for you.
• Guard your energy. Toxic people are everywhere and misery loves company. Avoid getting caught up in drama, gossip or negative conversations. Instead, take control of your surroundings and gear the conversation towards positive, uplifting and empowering dialogue. It’s amazing how much power you have to influence how other people think and experience the world.
• Serve others. We are a self-obsessed society, and in almost all situations, we solely consider what WE are getting out of it. Take a different perspective and get present to what you can give to others in every waking moment. Help out a coworker, carry someone’s groceries, volunteer for a non-profit or shovel someone’s driveway. When you seek to help others without personal gain, you end up getting more than you give in the form of joy, fulfillment and connection.
• Be a team player. Remember self-obsession? We really need to work on this one. Whether you’re part of a company, a family, a sports team or just a part of society, being a team player is a critical skill if you want to live powerfully. No man is an island. Take time to listen and consider other people’s feelings and perspectives. Don’t interrupt. Don’t shut down ideas. Don’t criticize. Create a space for healthy, open communication and collaboration. When we work together, anything is possible.
• Stop complaining. Have you heard of the Law of Attraction? Well, it works, for better or worse. If you speak negativity, you will attract negativity. It’s that simple. Ever feel like you just keep getting slammed by life? It’s probably because you’re complaining, and you’re giving off a magnetic vibe that’s pulling more bad juju your way. So rather than complaining about what’s going wrong, take charge of your life. Control the controllable and think positive thoughts only.
• Affirm yourself and others daily. The power of positivity is remarkable. Start each day with positive affirmations to yourself about who you are, what you’re going to accomplish and what your life is going to be about. And don’t stop there. You really do have the power to impact the people around you and create a circle of positivity. We all love to be acknowledged for who we are.  A genuine compliment goes a long way in making someone feel empowered and confident. So let the good vibes flow.
• Trust more, not less. Us humans spend so much time being fearful. We’re afraid of taking risks in our relationships, in our careers and in our passions. And, because we give that fear power over us, we actually stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do in our lives. This year, punch fear in the face. Do what you’re afraid of. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust the process, and trust others. The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work out. But you’re tough. You’ll survive. I promise.
• Get back up. In the face of failure, remember that there is no failure. We fall down. Things don’t go as planned. So what? That’s part of the journey. It’s lessons learned and experience gained. As long as you get back up and keep moving forward, you’ll get there.
• Live your purpose. You know that seed in your heart that’s been there for as long as you can remember? That thing that makes your heart happy and sets your soul on fire? That thing is your purpose. It exists within you because you are meant to do it. So go do it. Without fear. Without hesitation. Without excuses.
• Practice gratitude. The simple act of counting your blessings daily energizes you more than you can imagine. Far too often, the amazing things in our life go unnoticed. We are distracted, overwhelmed and exhausted. Take a few minutes each morning to look at all you’ve been gifted.
• Smile often. Smiling actually burns calories, helps you look younger, improves your mood and creates a space where others feel safe and happy as well. Smiles are contagious and powerful, and universal. A smile can change the world, truly. So smile as often as possible.
• Be Happy. Happiness isn’t in in the past or the future. It isn’t found in success or wealth. Happiness is yours for the taking, right now and in this moment. Choose to be happy, regardless of your circumstance. Because, chances are, at this very moment, everything is just fine. And even if it’s not, the next moment is just around the corner.

There is a lot “wrong” with the way we date today. Technology has replaced organic connection. The way we interact with one another has grown more detached and callous because we’ve disconnected from the natural, emotional reciprocity that occurs when human beings share the same physical space. We’ve become more superficial and inauthentic. In a world where you can be discarded by a mere swipe of a finger, we must appear as something that we assume others want, regardless of what we actually are. The instant gratification of sexual promiscuity validates us much easier than investing in the long-term satisfaction of a meaningful connection. And the friends. Coworkers. Family members. Everyone telling us that we deserve better, that this one or that one isn’t good enough and should be eliminated. He doesn’t have a good job and she is too needy. Something is wrong with everyone. There is a valid reason to dismiss everyone. 

Why is all of this happening? Because we live in a feel-good, it’s all about me world.

But the real breakdown is the stalemate of singlehood. The way we respond to a world where everyone is in the game for themselves, the way we adapt and survive, is to become the same.

You might see yourself as generous, kind, patient and a lot of other qualities you believe make you a good potential partner to someone. But if you’re single and struggling, I promise you that you aren’t as in tune with yourself as you think. You may BE all of those things at the core. However, it’s how you’re showing up to others that counts. When you’re busy playing the game, you aren’t free to be who you really are. And this is what most of us are doing. Playing the game. In order to get ahead. In order to win. At love.

Here’s what the game looks like. We desperately want love. To love someone and be loved back. Yet, we are terrified of being hurt, of not measuring up, of being alone, of all of it. So our subconscious mind finds ways to protect us from the very thing we want, because it’s scary. Most of us today do this by creating very rigid expectations of how another should interact with us in order to prove that they want us, that they are good enough for us to take that risk. Any action that falls short of this expectation deems them unworthy, too much of a risk. So we discard them and move on. It goes like this “Well he didn’t text me back right away” or “She cancelled because she was sick” or “He told me he couldn’t hang out because he was busy with his friends” or “She got mad because I was late meeting her.” We call it a red flag and move onto the next. We fail to consider the humanness in anyone else. Their circumstances and their fears. We even go so far as to label positive behaviors as red flags. “He wants to hang out like every day” or “She wants me to meet her friends, it’s too soon, she must be a clinger.” It’s absurd when you really think about it. We are all so afraid of each other that we play this perpetual game of one-up over who can care less, who can be less attached. And we expect to find love in the midst of that.

But love isn’t a game. And you can’t succeed at it by treating it as such. It’s impossible. To be “in love” is to truly share yourself with another and allow that person to share themselves with you. Love is only possible with time, courage, authenticity and acceptance. It takes time and effort to get to know someone, to develop a meaningful relationship, to build a foundation that will be strong enough to last through all of the trials and tribulations of life. It takes courage to risk the disappointment and pain you may feel if a relationship doesn’t work out. It takes being vulnerable and generous with your spirit, allowing someone to see your true self for them to ever be able to really love you. It takes accepting that people are imperfect and will hurt you. Not intentionally, but they will. And the closer you get to someone, the more their shortcomings impact you. But that’s love. It’s scary. It’s a gamble. It’s easier to play it safe and find reasons not to give people a chance. But that won’t lead you to love.

Throw up the white flag. Surrender. Let love in. <3

For a more personalized path to finding love, schedule a free consult with me.

Narcissist. A term I see being increasingly tossed around social media sites and blogs to describe people who are essentially self-obsessed. In a world with Google and WebMD constantly at our fingertips, it seems almost all of us are qualified to diagnose someone as a narcissist. With this ever-expanding epidemic comes a growing need to carefully consider just what makes someone a narcissist and how, or if, we should interact with one.

Spoiler Alert: This is going to be a long one, but worth your time if you find yourself in any form of relationship to a narcissist.

We have all encountered someone (or multiple someones) whom we would label a narcissist. There are a number of behaviors that clinicians, therapists and bloggers identify as narcissistic traits. Anyone who exhibits such behaviors therefore must be a narcissist, right? Let’s look at this. Get ready, because I’m about to turn the table on you.

You, dear reader, are a narcissist. That’s right. A self-obsessed, self-loving, self-loathing, my-way-or-the-highway narcissist. And that’s okay. It’s part of your humanness. Stay with me. I’ll prove it to you.

As human beings, we are all inclined to experience life as if we are the absolute frame of reference. Our reality is the only true reality. Our perspective is the only “right” perspective. And we are in this game of life, however charitable and philanthropic we may be, for ourselves. This is not to say that we don’t have periods of true apathy and sacrifice. We most certainly do. Because at the core of our humanness is only the desire to love and be loved. However, our primal instinct is to survive. In a world where there is a near-constant need to survive in the way of familial, educational, social, economic realities and beyond, we always resort back to self-interest.

Let me give you an example. Grief. As human beings, we experience the five stages of grief following a deep loss. But what exactly is grief a response to? Well, loss. Loss of what? Something that we had, that we want, that we no longer have. When we experience loss, such as a break-up, we first deny it. We can’t make sense of it, we feel confused. We refuse to accept that it’s real because we can’t cope. Then we get angry because we can’t cope. Then we beg and plead and barter because we can’t cope. Then we wallow in our sorrow because we can’t cope. Eventually we realize we are powerless and accept the loss. And we find someone else to love. Maybe not as much, maybe not the same way. But we find a new lover, best friend, mentor. We go through this process not because we genuinely love another person and want them to be happy, but because we want them to be with us, even if they aren’t happy. Because ultimately, we are all narcissistic and self-serving.

Now consider the tactics we attach to narcissists. A person we would call a narcissist experiences a loss of power. How do they react? They deny reality. They get angry. They manipulate, beg, plead out of desperation. They get depressed. All because they cannot cope. And eventually, when they come to terms with the reality that despite all of their efforts, they simply cannot change anything, they move on.

Narcissism is not a disease or disorder, in my opinion. Rather, it is an adaptation. This adaptation occurs physiologically, emotionally and behaviorally. It is a natural response that occurs in order for an individual to survive a chronic experience of loss. How extreme the adaptation depends on the extremity of the circumstances which caused it. Typically, we see extreme narcissistic tendencies in individuals who either experienced a chronic absence of love, affection and approval in childhood through either a withholding or abusive nature of the child’s primary caretaker, or the child experienced chronic suppression of his/her individuality and self-expression through excessive control, criticism and coddling. Children subjected to such environments grow up to be adults who  experience a chronic sense of powerlessness and the seemingly-appropriate (to them) response to the loss of power. This adaptation also occurs in adulthood in people exposed to chronic stress or abuse, but usually only in people with vulnerability or predisposition to extreme narcissistic attitudes. In either case, narcissists are far more sensitive to ego-injury and low self-esteem in daily life. And because of the loop of victimhood that all human beings play out, narcissists are certainly not exempt and will subconsciously and perpetually recreate situations that leave them feeling powerless in order to play out their role of the suppressed, lonely, unloved child.

Taking a deeper look at how narcissists go from normal, narcissistic human beings to diagnosably NPD, allows us to develop compassion for the tremendous amount of pain and suffering that hides beneath their adaptive behaviors. But are these people truly toxic and how should we interact with them, if at all?

There is no right or wrong answer here. Many experts and pseudo-experts will tell you that someone with extreme narcissistic tendencies is toxic and you must resort to limited or even no contact with the individual. In my opinion, this is an overly callous outlook that deems an individual, someone in an extreme amount of pain and desperate for a love they have never been able to access, merely disposable. And isn’t that our attitude toward relationships in general these days?

Consider the narcissist someone with an emotional handicap. While you may never receive the social support you would in caring for a quadriplegic or someone who is blind, narcissism is essentially a severe, post traumatic stress adaptation in which the individual lacks the actual capacity to connect with others, and not because he or she doesn’t want to. Someone with this adaptation is actually desperate for the very thing they can’t seem to grasp. Imagine a life where you did not have access to others. It’s a type of solitary confinement with no hope of release. That is the state of existence for a narcissist.

Being in relationship with any narcissist is very daunting. All relationships are, as we all function on some level as self-interested, self-obsessed narcissists. But with the extreme behaviors and tendencies of narcissism, life can be overwhelming and unstable. If you are not armed with knowledge, power and a solid self-worth, ongoing exposure to a narcissist can be crippling. How much you are willing to give, and take, is solely up to you. And the truth is, that until an individual has the willingness to acknowledge the cost of this defense mechanism in their life, change is unlikely. If the narcissist in your life indicates a willingness to seek help, know how much courage and vulnerability this takes and do your best to support them in beginning the long and arduous journey of healing. You can find some very helpful and hopeful resources below.

If you are struggling with a narcissist and would like support, contact me at info@kristinkoltick.com

For hopeful resources, click the link below.

The Landmark Forum

Schema Therapy Institute

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behari