I see you. I hear you. I feel your pain. I know your desperation. To be heard, to be valued, to be empowered for, by, through and of your womanhood.

But here’s the thing…the thing we are missing as females….

Behaving like men, bashing men, devaluing men or pushing men away doesn’t actually get us heard or valued or empowered. What it does get us is angry, bitter, cynical, resigned, fearful and lonely. And powerless.

I’m an activist. I get activism. And sometimes activism takes force. But activism only works when we remain authentic to ourselves and our cause. Modern feminism has done neither. It hasn’t only devalued masculinity, which most certainly has benefits to families, children, relationships and society – it has also devalued our inherent femininity, which is an inherently beautiful and powerful thing.

Our femininity is emotional, nurturing, gentle, graceful, patient and generous. It’s what allows us to be good mothers, wives, friends and caretakers. It’s what gives us strength and resilience. Femininity has been the foundation, the groundedness, throughout countless dark and uncertain times of history. Our femininity is a gift, and one that is unique to us women. It is the source of our true power.

Feminism has all but abandoned femininity. We have become loud, crude and aggressive in our activism and in our homes. We have become bossy, demanding, emotionally unavailable, sexually promiscuous and fiercely independent. We have adopted the very thing we claim to oppose, “toxic masculinity.” And therein lies the breakdown of the feminist movement. We’ve lost our authenticity, as women. And in doing so, we have surrendered our power.

Everywhere I look, I see single feminists pretending to be happy. We proclaim our liberation from men with hashtags like #single4life. We declare our loathing for men over cocktails with our single friends. Yet, beneath the false apathy lies a sincere longing for a happy and healthy connection to a good and honorable man. We lie to ourselves. Maybe because we’ve been conditioned to be so fearful of men that we can’t acknowledge wanting one. Maybe because we don’t want to betray our fellow feminists by selling out. Maybe because we don’t want to be accountable for the reality that we are the ones parading around with toxic masculinity and devaluing other human beings.

Whatever the case, we can’t reasonably expect to simultaneously hate men and be loved by them.

We can’t reasonably expect to create change with hypocrisy and inauthenticity.

We can’t reasonably expect to be powerful when we abandon the source of our power.

What we CAN do is embrace who are. We can use our true, innate power to create anything we want for ourselves. We can be honest with ourselves and with others about what it is that we want. We can be courageous enough to put ourselves out there, to try again at love even though we may have been hurt by a man who didn’t know how to be a man. We can still rise up and BE WOMEN.

It’s okay to admit that you can’t or don’t want to do it all alone.

It’s okay to admit that deep down, you want a man to love and be loved by.

It’s okay to admit that men aren’t BAD.

It’s even okay to use your feminine superpowers to support, encourage, nurture and love a man who wants to love you back, even if he isn’t perfect, which he won’t be.

It’s perfectly okay to be feminine. In fact, it’s better than okay. It’s authentic. It’s organic. It’s strong, courageous, kind, capable, bold, beautiful and POWERFUL. It’s who you are, when you wipe away the fear.

So girl, be your best you. Live your best life. Be empowered. Fly high. Chase your dreams. Make a difference. Use your superpowers. But remember, those powers aren’t found in screaming, emasculating, bashing or even in a vagina hat. They’re not found in your feminism, but in your femininity.

With love, hope & faith in you and the sisterhood of the world,

Kristin

*I’ve even taken the liberty of listing my ideas in order of least to most expensive. But read all the way through….she’s worth it.

1. Wine. $-$$ Almost every woman loves wine. It’s delicious, calming, aphrodesiac….you get where I’m going with this. You can’t go wrong with wine, unless she’s a recovering alcoholic or refrains from alcohol for some other reason. Choose a bottle of wine you know she loves, or take a wild guess. Even better, gift her a membership to a wine club and let the wine flow year round!
2. Unique Gifts. $-$$ When it comes to gift giving, ladies like one-of-a-kind. We want something that shows you thought outside of the box and considered our unique tastes and interests. Does your girlfriend like gardening? Gift her a set of feminine garden gloves like these.  Does your partner enjoy beauty products? Try a Birchbox subscription. Is she into arts & crafts? Check out this DIY Lip Balm kit! Does your woman love to accessorize? How about a piece of handmade custom jewelry like this beaded tassel necklace?  Is your girl a candle lover? Check out these customizable handmade soy candles! Choosing a unique gift can get pricey, but it really doesn’t have to. Think about what your special someone likes and take advantage of the world wide web.
3. Practical Gifts. $-$$$ Your woman works hard, year round, to contribute to the finances, maintain a neat and welcoming home, chase after kids and pets. It might be that all she really needs is some R&R! Maybe a gift certificate to her favorite yoga studio would help lighten her burden, financially and emotionally. Perhaps a cleaning service for the house (I know I would be over the moon excited for this one.) Don’t have a lot of extra cash? Make her a handmade book filled with coupons for a night off from doing dishes or an entire meal cooked for her! Another great idea….have her car detailed. Women tend to have messy cars, and not a whole lot of motivation to get on our hands and knees to clean them out. Again, you can do this yourself if you’re on a tight budget. Don’t be afraid to get her something she could really use, if it will make her life easier or more comfortable. Just don’t buy her a vaccum!
4. The Creative Date. $$-$$$ Is your girl more of the quality time over gift-giving type? Try speaking her love language this year and giving her an evening of uninterrupted time with you. Get creative. Is there a new restaurant in town she’s been mentioning? Or maybe a small theatre in your neighborhood is playing old romantic movies? Perhaps a pottery-making experience where you can role-play the famous scene from Ghost. Even a museum or an historic tour of your nearest city may charm her. Does she work long hours on her feet? A couples massage may be just what you need! Think movie romance, but keep her unique interests in mind.
5. The Trip. $$$-$$$$ I know, I know. Unless you’re a true Romeo, or you’re planning to propose, you probably haven’t considered taking her on a trip. But imagine her excitement if you told her to pack a bag because you were taking her away for a surprise getaway! Trust me, guys. THIS is the way to sweep her off her feet and reward her for all she does for you the whole year through. This one will cost you a bit more, but it doesn’t have to break the bank. You can find cheap rooms at bed & breakfasts or private cabins on websites like AirBNB or VRBO. Just be sure to pack the essentials, like bubble bath, massage oils, candles & wine!

Of course, you can always resort to the traditional candies and flowers. But I promise you, if you put a little effort in, you and your special someone will enjoy a blissful Valentine’s Day that will carry over into the rest of the year. Enjoy!