Narcissist. A term I see being increasingly tossed around social media sites and blogs to describe people who are essentially self-obsessed. In a world with Google and WebMD constantly at our fingertips, it seems almost all of us are qualified to diagnose someone as a narcissist. With this ever-expanding epidemic comes a growing need to carefully consider just what makes someone a narcissist and how, or if, we should interact with one.

Spoiler Alert: This is going to be a long one, but worth your time if you find yourself in any form of relationship to a narcissist.

We have all encountered someone (or multiple someones) whom we would label a narcissist. There are a number of behaviors that clinicians, therapists and bloggers identify as narcissistic traits. Anyone who exhibits such behaviors therefore must be a narcissist, right? Let’s look at this. Get ready, because I’m about to turn the table on you.

You, dear reader, are a narcissist. That’s right. A self-obsessed, self-loving, self-loathing, my-way-or-the-highway narcissist. And that’s okay. It’s part of your humanness. Stay with me. I’ll prove it to you.

As human beings, we are all inclined to experience life as if we are the absolute frame of reference. Our reality is the only true reality. Our perspective is the only “right” perspective. And we are in this game of life, however charitable and philanthropic we may be, for ourselves. This is not to say that we don’t have periods of true apathy and sacrifice. We most certainly do. Because at the core of our humanness is only the desire to love and be loved. However, our primal instinct is to survive. In a world where there is a near-constant need to survive in the way of familial, educational, social, economic realities and beyond, we always resort back to self-interest.

Let me give you an example. Grief. As human beings, we experience the five stages of grief following a deep loss. But what exactly is grief a response to? Well, loss. Loss of what? Something that we had, that we want, that we no longer have. When we experience loss, such as a break-up, we first deny it. We can’t make sense of it, we feel confused. We refuse to accept that it’s real because we can’t cope. Then we get angry because we can’t cope. Then we beg and plead and barter because we can’t cope. Then we wallow in our sorrow because we can’t cope. Eventually we realize we are powerless and accept the loss. And we find someone else to love. Maybe not as much, maybe not the same way. But we find a new lover, best friend, mentor. We go through this process not because we genuinely love another person and want them to be happy, but because we want them to be with us, even if they aren’t happy. Because ultimately, we are all narcissistic and self-serving.

Now consider the tactics we attach to narcissists. A person we would call a narcissist experiences a loss of power. How do they react? They deny reality. They get angry. They manipulate, beg, plead out of desperation. They get depressed. All because they cannot cope. And eventually, when they come to terms with the reality that despite all of their efforts, they simply cannot change anything, they move on.

Narcissism is not a disease or disorder, in my opinion. Rather, it is an adaptation. This adaptation occurs physiologically, emotionally and behaviorally. It is a natural response that occurs in order for an individual to survive a chronic experience of loss. How extreme the adaptation depends on the extremity of the circumstances which caused it. Typically, we see extreme narcissistic tendencies in individuals who either experienced a chronic absence of love, affection and approval in childhood through either a withholding or abusive nature of the child’s primary caretaker, or the child experienced chronic suppression of his/her individuality and self-expression through excessive control, criticism and coddling. Children subjected to such environments grow up to be adults who  experience a chronic sense of powerlessness and the seemingly-appropriate (to them) response to the loss of power. This adaptation also occurs in adulthood in people exposed to chronic stress or abuse, but usually only in people with vulnerability or predisposition to extreme narcissistic attitudes. In either case, narcissists are far more sensitive to ego-injury and low self-esteem in daily life. And because of the loop of victimhood that all human beings play out, narcissists are certainly not exempt and will subconsciously and perpetually recreate situations that leave them feeling powerless in order to play out their role of the suppressed, lonely, unloved child.

Taking a deeper look at how narcissists go from normal, narcissistic human beings to diagnosably NPD, allows us to develop compassion for the tremendous amount of pain and suffering that hides beneath their adaptive behaviors. But are these people truly toxic and how should we interact with them, if at all?

There is no right or wrong answer here. Many experts and pseudo-experts will tell you that someone with extreme narcissistic tendencies is toxic and you must resort to limited or even no contact with the individual. In my opinion, this is an overly callous outlook that deems an individual, someone in an extreme amount of pain and desperate for a love they have never been able to access, merely disposable. And isn’t that our attitude toward relationships in general these days?

Consider the narcissist someone with an emotional handicap. While you may never receive the social support you would in caring for a quadriplegic or someone who is blind, narcissism is essentially a severe, post traumatic stress adaptation in which the individual lacks the actual capacity to connect with others, and not because he or she doesn’t want to. Someone with this adaptation is actually desperate for the very thing they can’t seem to grasp. Imagine a life where you did not have access to others. It’s a type of solitary confinement with no hope of release. That is the state of existence for a narcissist.

Being in relationship with any narcissist is very daunting. All relationships are, as we all function on some level as self-interested, self-obsessed narcissists. But with the extreme behaviors and tendencies of narcissism, life can be overwhelming and unstable. If you are not armed with knowledge, power and a solid self-worth, ongoing exposure to a narcissist can be crippling. How much you are willing to give, and take, is solely up to you. And the truth is, that until an individual has the willingness to acknowledge the cost of this defense mechanism in their life, change is unlikely. If the narcissist in your life indicates a willingness to seek help, know how much courage and vulnerability this takes and do your best to support them in beginning the long and arduous journey of healing. You can find some very helpful and hopeful resources below.

If you are struggling with a narcissist and would like support, contact me at info@kristinkoltick.com

For hopeful resources, click the link below.

The Landmark Forum

Schema Therapy Institute

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behari

Because I’m a woman and have a lot of female friends, my inclination was to look at this issue from that perspective. Women are innately nurturing and therefore, we are predisposed to want to heal, to love and to nourish. However, that assessment doesn’t address why men stay in these very same relationships which are tumultuous and toxic. Men, by nature, are problem solvers. Perhaps the male desire to fix things and make them work was playing a part behind the scenes as a motivator. But I just don’t think that’s the whole story.

In examining the role of our humanness, above and beyond what it means to be a man or to be a woman, there’s a greater force at play here. The ego.

When a relationship isn’t working, many of us tend to experience that as a personal failure. We think that we’re doing something wrong, or that there’s something about us at the source of that unworkability. We may find ourselves thinking that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, successful enough or any other self-deemed inadequacy. The relationship not working becomes our failure. So what do we do with failure?

What happens for us all in the face of failure is that the ego kicks in to protect us from shame, guilt and accountability. The ego exists to save face. And it’s an incredibly powerful phenomenon. Ego is so good at what it does that we’re often unable to even identify our failures. Instead, we automatically project blame onto others for our faults, and we don’t even know that it’s happening. The ego has us believe that we are innocent, and the victim of others’ poor judgment or behavior. The presence of ego invites an automatic defense mechanism. Yet, despite all of that survival responsiveness, deep down our ego doesn’t want us to be powerless. Ego wants control. So defensiveness is also attached to an innate will to exert power and dominance.

Imagine how this plays out in a relationship that simply doesn’t work, for two people who are unable to be with their own failure or get present to the role of their ego. And, in many cases, this failure-ego response is actually the source of unworkability of the relationship. When we experience, albeit subconsciously, the interactions of a relationship that isn’t working as our own failure, the ego is naturally present. We become defensive, attacking our partner without the willingness to self examine, which creates more toxicity within the relationship. And the bigger the problem, the stronger the ego’s need to fix it. It becomes a vicious cycle that neither person is willing to end because the experience of failure and the egoic drive to be powerful are running the show.

If you find yourself in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, what there is to get is that the unworkabilty of the relationship is not your failure. It simply means that who you are doesn’t work for another individual in the context of that relationship and, likewise, who that person is does not work for you. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is broken. There is nothing to fix. It is merely a situation that lacks integrity, in the sense that it’s not whole and complete. It doesn’t fit together as something whole and complete fit together.

Don’t exhaust yourself trying to be someone that does work for another human being and don’t impose an expectation that another individual should become someone else to work for you. We all have the right to be who we are and when we are robbed of that, we experience frustration, anger and resentment. All people have the capacity to transform who they are, but it must come from a willingness within. Transformation will never occur out of forced change. Give people the grace to be who they choose to be and, most importantly, allow yourself that same grace.

The holiday season is just around the corner. Or, maybe, it’s been here since October. Either way, this time of year tends to come with quite a bit of stress, obligation and overwhelm. Our kind sentiments and warm, fuzzy feelings get lost in the midst of worry; worry about money, travel, time, energy and just about anything else our minds can conjure up to disrupt our joy. The good news? It doesn’t have to be that way, at all.

I’m committed to living my life in a way that encompasses peace, exudes love and creates power. So I took some time to create a possibility for a truly joyful holiday season within that realm. I’ve come up with some strategies for myself and thought I’d share, in hopes that you all will experience a peaceful and happy holiday, and beyond.

• Get that image doesn’t mean anything. Absolutely nothing. The energy we put into making our homes look perfect, the Pinterest-worthy projects we do with the kids, the gifts we can’t afford…..all of these things are joy suckers. We do them to impress others, while driving ourselves crazy. And broke. And guess what. No one else cares. No one cares how perfect our wreaths look from the street, how much money we’ve spent on their gift or how many times we’ve snapped at our child before taking over their “handmade” teacher gift. YOU are the only one who cares, and you are really robbing yourself of the opportunity to enjoy this time of year. Want peace? Forget to impress!
• Presence, not presents. The holiday season can be a tremendous financial strain for anyone who’s already struggling to make ends meet. Even if money is a non-issue for you, you might be missing the mark on making the most of this holiday season. It’s a busy time of year and, when we’re blessed by abundance, it can be much easier to use our wallets than our hearts to make an impact for others. Generosity is an incredible act, and should be acknowledged. But what really moves people is when we share our most precious resource with them, our time. Instead of spending a fortune on presents, gift the people you love with your presence. It will go a lot further than you can imagine. Take them out for coffee or lunch. Join them for a yoga or pottery class. Grab tickets to a comedy or music show that they’d enjoy. Spend time and love instead of money and see what opens up in those relationships!
• Get creative. Don’t get me wrong. Pinterest is remarkable source of inspiration and handmade gifts are a fantastic way to limit your holiday spending. But there’s something to really get before you go down this road….Pinterest does not have to equal pressure. By all means, seek ideas. But making gifts, even with the kids, should be an enjoyable and satisfying way of sharing a piece of you with someone else. Allow yourself to create something without the concern of how it will turn out or be received. If it comes from the heart, it will be felt that way.
• Commit with care. We tend to overcommit ourselves throughout the year, but even more so during the holidays. In our quest to make the most of the season, to be productive and meet expectations, we say we will do things we simply don’t have the time (or interest) for. Time is our most valuable resource and so we should give it with love, but wisely. This year, try your best to avoid making commitments of this nature. Instead, commit only to things that will bring real value to you and the people around you. Once you’re committed to something, honor your commitments with care and contentment.
• Forget about food. Health & wellness are important aspects of a powerful and effective life. However, food is also an important part of holiday tradition and is often an expression of love. Let go of the need to maintain a rigid nutrition plan and simply allow yourself to be in the moment, enjoying food freely without the worry of guilt.
• Get complete with 2017. We’ve all experienced things this past year that have brought discord or disappointment. Perhaps you’ve been slighted in some regard. Perhaps you’ve lost something or someone important to you. Or, perhaps, things just didn’t go as planned. The truth is that it doesn’t matter. Nothing that’s happened has anything to do with who you are or where you’re going from here. Accept that what’s happened has happened, and be willing to move forward without resentment or regret.
• Create possibilities instead of resolutions. With a new year comes the pressures of getting it right this time around. We resolve to do things differently, or better, in the year to come. The problem is that we are setting ourselves up for failure and, with failure, comes the sense of defeat. And we give up. Instead of making a resolution to do this or not do that, try creating a possibility for 2018. In the realm of possibility, there is no failure or shortcoming. It’s merely about what is possible through action. And the cool thing about possibility is that it’s always possible. What are you going to create for your life in 2018?