I get it. It’s a harsh world out there for singles. Things have gotten seemingly impossible on the dating front. Feminism has swept in, suppressing men in all sorts of ways. A lot of guys have responded to that with extremes. On one hand, you’ve got the guys desperate for a meaningful connection with no idea how to find it. On the other, you’ve got the fuckboys, terrified of meaningful connections and desperate for validation and attention. Social media has become a cesspool of both; the perfect outlet for hounding women by the masses, playing a numbers game in hopes of finding someone to take the bait.

It must be exhausting, guys!! Think of all the time spent inboxing all those ladies…you’d probably be halfway done with an MBA or traveled halfway across the world with that time. Maybe met a nice chick in your corporate finance class or connected with a beautiful Italian goddess on some nude beach. Instead, you sit on your couch scrolling and scrolling, messaging and messaging, hoping to find what you’re looking for https://prasethpheapfinance.com/ finance legend.

To the guys out there still swimming around in your own unresolved issues, looking for women desperate enough to fuel your constant need for attention but too insecure to ever give someone your heart, this isn’t for you. Should the time come that you find the courage to connect with your authentic self and true desire for love, reach out to me for a free consult.

For the rest of you guys, the ones really searching for that special someone to share your life with, this is for you. After hundreds of conversations with single women, I’ve created a how-to (or how-not-to) on connecting with women.

When sliding into a girl’s DM, proceed with caution. This strategy is so overused that Facebook has now created their own dating software. Women get messages like this everyday. Its unoriginal, tired and a little creepy at times. If you’re going to resort to this tactic, do it with some tact.

• Do NOT begin the conversation with “Hey gorgeous”, “Hey [insert pet name]” or any other variation of this.
• DO introduce yourself as if you were meeting her face to face.

• Do NOT compliment her on her looks. It makes you seem superficial, egotistical and, again, creepy.
• DO offer a genuine compliment that shows you’ve taken an authentic interest in her life.

• Do NOT send unsolicited photos of yourself. Not selfies, not your kids, not your car, and definitely not your junk.
• Do NOT ask her to send photos of herself to you. If you’re already creeping her social media, you’ve seen as much as you deserve as a stranger.

• Do NOT talk about sex. Or anything sexual. Don’t ask her what her favorite position is, don’t tell her you’re a freak, don’t ask her to sit on your face. Just stop.
• DO ask her what she enjoys, about her hobbies, favorite foods….clues on where to take her should you keep it cool long enough to get her to agree to meeting you. Keep the conversation light, avoid any serious topics like politics, religion, past relationships, childhood trauma, etc.

If at any point, you don’t get a response or the chick lets you know she’s not interested, move along gracefully. There’s no need to throw a temper tantrum, start insulting her or any other display of your butt-hurtness. You are not entitled to anyone’s time. She doesn’t owe you anything. Remember, you’ve been playing a numbers game all along and you know it. Next!

If, however, things are going well and she seems interested in getting to know you, there are some other things to be mindful of.

Wait, rewind. Let’s back up for just a quick sec. How do you know she’s interested in getting to know you??? If she’s engaging in the conversation, meaning thoughtful responses and reciprocal questions. If you’re getting one word answers, it’s a dead end.

Okay, back to it. Conversation is flowing between you and this lovely lady. What next? Allow me to throw you a curve ball. Ask if it’s okay to call her. WHOA, now. Remember the good old days when you had to call a girl on the phone? Well, maybe not. But it was a thing and here’s why. It’s really impossible to form an organic connection, sense real chemistry and build healthy sexual tension over a screen. Texting and messaging just doesn’t allow for all of those warm fuzzy feelings you get from looking into a person’s eyes or hearing their voice. So cut the immature, lazy crap and step up your game. Ask her if you can call her to get to know her better. If she says yes, congrats!! If she says no, refer to three paragraphs up.

So now, if you’ve made it far enough to get her phone number, kudos. You’re killing it and learning some valuable stuff along the way. Now you actually have to call her. I know, I know, it’s way scarier than sitting behind the safety of your phone screen typing. Now you’ve gotta put your communication skills to the test. Here are some tips.

• Ask questions and engage in active listening. Take in what she’s saying. It’ll help you get to know and understand her and what she’s looking for, ie. so you can provide it. (Remember that crazy time before feminism when men were considered the providers?? That doesn’t just mean money, bros. It means security, happiness, etc.)
• Don’t whine and complain about your job, finances, ex girlfriend, dog with explosive diarrhea, or anything else. Being able to bitch about life is one of the perks of a relationship, but you’re not there yet. She’s sizing you up for your character, your ability to be strong, adaptable, proactive, lead and handle shit.
• Don’t talk about yourself constantly to impress her. Instead, be vulnerable and share something personal. Authenticity breeds authenticity. Nothing makes a girl feel more safe than a guy willing to let down his guard and be real with her.
• Take the initiative and show effort. Do what you say you’ll do, don’t leave her hanging and when she agrees to go out with you, take the time to plan something that acknowledges her interests (you should have been paying attention to this!!) Hint: Don’t take her to Applebees. If she’s a vegan, find a cool vegan spot. If she says she’s always wanted to go to Paris, find a Parisian restaurant. If she’s competitive and loves sports, take her ax throwing. Make her feel special, like she isn’t just a number in the game.

Finally, if you feel like you’ve found someone special, go all in. Give up the game altogether. Stop messaging other women. Brag about her to your friends and family. Treat her right and marry her before some other poor guy behind a screen slides into her DM. ; )

There is a lot “wrong” with the way we date today. Technology has replaced organic connection. The way we interact with one another has grown more detached and callous because we’ve disconnected from the natural, emotional reciprocity that occurs when human beings share the same physical space. We’ve become more superficial and inauthentic. In a world where you can be discarded by a mere swipe of a finger, we must appear as something that we assume others want, regardless of what we actually are. The instant gratification of sexual promiscuity validates us much easier than investing in the long-term satisfaction of a meaningful connection. And the friends. Coworkers. Family members. Everyone telling us that we deserve better, that this one or that one isn’t good enough and should be eliminated. He doesn’t have a good job and she is too needy. Something is wrong with everyone. There is a valid reason to dismiss everyone. 

Why is all of this happening? Because we live in a feel-good, it’s all about me world.

But the real breakdown is the stalemate of singlehood. The way we respond to a world where everyone is in the game for themselves, the way we adapt and survive, is to become the same.

You might see yourself as generous, kind, patient and a lot of other qualities you believe make you a good potential partner to someone. But if you’re single and struggling, I promise you that you aren’t as in tune with yourself as you think. You may BE all of those things at the core. However, it’s how you’re showing up to others that counts. When you’re busy playing the game, you aren’t free to be who you really are. And this is what most of us are doing. Playing the game. In order to get ahead. In order to win. At love.

Here’s what the game looks like. We desperately want love. To love someone and be loved back. Yet, we are terrified of being hurt, of not measuring up, of being alone, of all of it. So our subconscious mind finds ways to protect us from the very thing we want, because it’s scary. Most of us today do this by creating very rigid expectations of how another should interact with us in order to prove that they want us, that they are good enough for us to take that risk. Any action that falls short of this expectation deems them unworthy, too much of a risk. So we discard them and move on. It goes like this “Well he didn’t text me back right away” or “She cancelled because she was sick” or “He told me he couldn’t hang out because he was busy with his friends” or “She got mad because I was late meeting her.” We call it a red flag and move onto the next. We fail to consider the humanness in anyone else. Their circumstances and their fears. We even go so far as to label positive behaviors as red flags. “He wants to hang out like every day” or “She wants me to meet her friends, it’s too soon, she must be a clinger.” It’s absurd when you really think about it. We are all so afraid of each other that we play this perpetual game of one-up over who can care less, who can be less attached. And we expect to find love in the midst of that.

But love isn’t a game. And you can’t succeed at it by treating it as such. It’s impossible. To be “in love” is to truly share yourself with another and allow that person to share themselves with you. Love is only possible with time, courage, authenticity and acceptance. It takes time and effort to get to know someone, to develop a meaningful relationship, to build a foundation that will be strong enough to last through all of the trials and tribulations of life. It takes courage to risk the disappointment and pain you may feel if a relationship doesn’t work out. It takes being vulnerable and generous with your spirit, allowing someone to see your true self for them to ever be able to really love you. It takes accepting that people are imperfect and will hurt you. Not intentionally, but they will. And the closer you get to someone, the more their shortcomings impact you. But that’s love. It’s scary. It’s a gamble. It’s easier to play it safe and find reasons not to give people a chance. But that won’t lead you to love.

Throw up the white flag. Surrender. Let love in. <3

For a more personalized path to finding love, schedule a free consult with me.