I get it. It’s a harsh world out there for singles. Things have gotten seemingly impossible on the dating front. Feminism has swept in, suppressing men in all sorts of ways. A lot of guys have responded to that with extremes. On one hand, you’ve got the guys desperate for a meaningful connection with no idea how to find it. On the other, you’ve got the fuckboys, terrified of meaningful connections and desperate for validation and attention. Social media has become a cesspool of both; the perfect outlet for hounding women by the masses, playing a numbers game in hopes of finding someone to take the bait.

It must be exhausting, guys!! Think of all the time spent inboxing all those ladies…you’d probably be halfway done with an MBA or traveled halfway across the world with that time. Maybe met a nice chick in your corporate finance class or connected with a beautiful Italian goddess on some nude beach. Instead, you sit on your couch scrolling and scrolling, messaging and messaging, hoping to find what you’re looking for https://prasethpheapfinance.com/ finance legend.

To the guys out there still swimming around in your own unresolved issues, looking for women desperate enough to fuel your constant need for attention but too insecure to ever give someone your heart, this isn’t for you. Should the time come that you find the courage to connect with your authentic self and true desire for love, reach out to me for a free consult.

For the rest of you guys, the ones really searching for that special someone to share your life with, this is for you. After hundreds of conversations with single women, I’ve created a how-to (or how-not-to) on connecting with women.

When sliding into a girl’s DM, proceed with caution. This strategy is so overused that Facebook has now created their own dating software. Women get messages like this everyday. Its unoriginal, tired and a little creepy at times. If you’re going to resort to this tactic, do it with some tact.

• Do NOT begin the conversation with “Hey gorgeous”, “Hey [insert pet name]” or any other variation of this.
• DO introduce yourself as if you were meeting her face to face.

• Do NOT compliment her on her looks. It makes you seem superficial, egotistical and, again, creepy.
• DO offer a genuine compliment that shows you’ve taken an authentic interest in her life.

• Do NOT send unsolicited photos of yourself. Not selfies, not your kids, not your car, and definitely not your junk.
• Do NOT ask her to send photos of herself to you. If you’re already creeping her social media, you’ve seen as much as you deserve as a stranger.

• Do NOT talk about sex. Or anything sexual. Don’t ask her what her favorite position is, don’t tell her you’re a freak, don’t ask her to sit on your face. Just stop.
• DO ask her what she enjoys, about her hobbies, favorite foods….clues on where to take her should you keep it cool long enough to get her to agree to meeting you. Keep the conversation light, avoid any serious topics like politics, religion, past relationships, childhood trauma, etc.

If at any point, you don’t get a response or the chick lets you know she’s not interested, move along gracefully. There’s no need to throw a temper tantrum, start insulting her or any other display of your butt-hurtness. You are not entitled to anyone’s time. She doesn’t owe you anything. Remember, you’ve been playing a numbers game all along and you know it. Next!

If, however, things are going well and she seems interested in getting to know you, there are some other things to be mindful of.

Wait, rewind. Let’s back up for just a quick sec. How do you know she’s interested in getting to know you??? If she’s engaging in the conversation, meaning thoughtful responses and reciprocal questions. If you’re getting one word answers, it’s a dead end.

Okay, back to it. Conversation is flowing between you and this lovely lady. What next? Allow me to throw you a curve ball. Ask if it’s okay to call her. WHOA, now. Remember the good old days when you had to call a girl on the phone? Well, maybe not. But it was a thing and here’s why. It’s really impossible to form an organic connection, sense real chemistry and build healthy sexual tension over a screen. Texting and messaging just doesn’t allow for all of those warm fuzzy feelings you get from looking into a person’s eyes or hearing their voice. So cut the immature, lazy crap and step up your game. Ask her if you can call her to get to know her better. If she says yes, congrats!! If she says no, refer to three paragraphs up.

So now, if you’ve made it far enough to get her phone number, kudos. You’re killing it and learning some valuable stuff along the way. Now you actually have to call her. I know, I know, it’s way scarier than sitting behind the safety of your phone screen typing. Now you’ve gotta put your communication skills to the test. Here are some tips.

• Ask questions and engage in active listening. Take in what she’s saying. It’ll help you get to know and understand her and what she’s looking for, ie. so you can provide it. (Remember that crazy time before feminism when men were considered the providers?? That doesn’t just mean money, bros. It means security, happiness, etc.)
• Don’t whine and complain about your job, finances, ex girlfriend, dog with explosive diarrhea, or anything else. Being able to bitch about life is one of the perks of a relationship, but you’re not there yet. She’s sizing you up for your character, your ability to be strong, adaptable, proactive, lead and handle shit.
• Don’t talk about yourself constantly to impress her. Instead, be vulnerable and share something personal. Authenticity breeds authenticity. Nothing makes a girl feel more safe than a guy willing to let down his guard and be real with her.
• Take the initiative and show effort. Do what you say you’ll do, don’t leave her hanging and when she agrees to go out with you, take the time to plan something that acknowledges her interests (you should have been paying attention to this!!) Hint: Don’t take her to Applebees. If she’s a vegan, find a cool vegan spot. If she says she’s always wanted to go to Paris, find a Parisian restaurant. If she’s competitive and loves sports, take her ax throwing. Make her feel special, like she isn’t just a number in the game.

Finally, if you feel like you’ve found someone special, go all in. Give up the game altogether. Stop messaging other women. Brag about her to your friends and family. Treat her right and marry her before some other poor guy behind a screen slides into her DM. ; )

• Leave the past where it belongs, behind you. We have a tendency to hang on to stuff we don’t really need. Experiences and emotional pain are certainly no exception. The truth is that we have no reason to hang onto the things that have hurt us before. If it isn’t happening right now, then it has no real power over us. Forgive. Accept. Close the door. Declare that the past has no place in your present.
• Unclutter your space. Just as we tend to hang onto past experiences, we also love to junk up our lives with things we don’t need and that don’t serve us. Get rid of anything that isn’t bringing you peace or joy, or that distracts you from your passion and purpose in life. Donate your extra clothes to a shelter. Sell your gaming system and put the cash in your savings account. Clean off your desk at work. Having a clear space allows for better focus and more inner peace.
• Heal yourself. Most of us are guilty of neglecting ourselves in the form of our mental and physical health. If you’re not 100%, it’s difficult to be effective in any area of your life. Commit to caring for your body and mind. Eat healthy foods, drink water, move your body, meditate, get enough sleep. Do all of the things your body wants you to do, for you.
• Guard your energy. Toxic people are everywhere and misery loves company. Avoid getting caught up in drama, gossip or negative conversations. Instead, take control of your surroundings and gear the conversation towards positive, uplifting and empowering dialogue. It’s amazing how much power you have to influence how other people think and experience the world.
• Serve others. We are a self-obsessed society, and in almost all situations, we solely consider what WE are getting out of it. Take a different perspective and get present to what you can give to others in every waking moment. Help out a coworker, carry someone’s groceries, volunteer for a non-profit or shovel someone’s driveway. When you seek to help others without personal gain, you end up getting more than you give in the form of joy, fulfillment and connection.
• Be a team player. Remember self-obsession? We really need to work on this one. Whether you’re part of a company, a family, a sports team or just a part of society, being a team player is a critical skill if you want to live powerfully. No man is an island. Take time to listen and consider other people’s feelings and perspectives. Don’t interrupt. Don’t shut down ideas. Don’t criticize. Create a space for healthy, open communication and collaboration. When we work together, anything is possible.
• Stop complaining. Have you heard of the Law of Attraction? Well, it works, for better or worse. If you speak negativity, you will attract negativity. It’s that simple. Ever feel like you just keep getting slammed by life? It’s probably because you’re complaining, and you’re giving off a magnetic vibe that’s pulling more bad juju your way. So rather than complaining about what’s going wrong, take charge of your life. Control the controllable and think positive thoughts only.
• Affirm yourself and others daily. The power of positivity is remarkable. Start each day with positive affirmations to yourself about who you are, what you’re going to accomplish and what your life is going to be about. And don’t stop there. You really do have the power to impact the people around you and create a circle of positivity. We all love to be acknowledged for who we are.  A genuine compliment goes a long way in making someone feel empowered and confident. So let the good vibes flow.
• Trust more, not less. Us humans spend so much time being fearful. We’re afraid of taking risks in our relationships, in our careers and in our passions. And, because we give that fear power over us, we actually stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do in our lives. This year, punch fear in the face. Do what you’re afraid of. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust the process, and trust others. The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work out. But you’re tough. You’ll survive. I promise.
• Get back up. In the face of failure, remember that there is no failure. We fall down. Things don’t go as planned. So what? That’s part of the journey. It’s lessons learned and experience gained. As long as you get back up and keep moving forward, you’ll get there.
• Live your purpose. You know that seed in your heart that’s been there for as long as you can remember? That thing that makes your heart happy and sets your soul on fire? That thing is your purpose. It exists within you because you are meant to do it. So go do it. Without fear. Without hesitation. Without excuses.
• Practice gratitude. The simple act of counting your blessings daily energizes you more than you can imagine. Far too often, the amazing things in our life go unnoticed. We are distracted, overwhelmed and exhausted. Take a few minutes each morning to look at all you’ve been gifted.
• Smile often. Smiling actually burns calories, helps you look younger, improves your mood and creates a space where others feel safe and happy as well. Smiles are contagious and powerful, and universal. A smile can change the world, truly. So smile as often as possible.
• Be Happy. Happiness isn’t in in the past or the future. It isn’t found in success or wealth. Happiness is yours for the taking, right now and in this moment. Choose to be happy, regardless of your circumstance. Because, chances are, at this very moment, everything is just fine. And even if it’s not, the next moment is just around the corner.

There is a lot “wrong” with the way we date today. Technology has replaced organic connection. The way we interact with one another has grown more detached and callous because we’ve disconnected from the natural, emotional reciprocity that occurs when human beings share the same physical space. We’ve become more superficial and inauthentic. In a world where you can be discarded by a mere swipe of a finger, we must appear as something that we assume others want, regardless of what we actually are. The instant gratification of sexual promiscuity validates us much easier than investing in the long-term satisfaction of a meaningful connection. And the friends. Coworkers. Family members. Everyone telling us that we deserve better, that this one or that one isn’t good enough and should be eliminated. He doesn’t have a good job and she is too needy. Something is wrong with everyone. There is a valid reason to dismiss everyone. 

Why is all of this happening? Because we live in a feel-good, it’s all about me world.

But the real breakdown is the stalemate of singlehood. The way we respond to a world where everyone is in the game for themselves, the way we adapt and survive, is to become the same.

You might see yourself as generous, kind, patient and a lot of other qualities you believe make you a good potential partner to someone. But if you’re single and struggling, I promise you that you aren’t as in tune with yourself as you think. You may BE all of those things at the core. However, it’s how you’re showing up to others that counts. When you’re busy playing the game, you aren’t free to be who you really are. And this is what most of us are doing. Playing the game. In order to get ahead. In order to win. At love.

Here’s what the game looks like. We desperately want love. To love someone and be loved back. Yet, we are terrified of being hurt, of not measuring up, of being alone, of all of it. So our subconscious mind finds ways to protect us from the very thing we want, because it’s scary. Most of us today do this by creating very rigid expectations of how another should interact with us in order to prove that they want us, that they are good enough for us to take that risk. Any action that falls short of this expectation deems them unworthy, too much of a risk. So we discard them and move on. It goes like this “Well he didn’t text me back right away” or “She cancelled because she was sick” or “He told me he couldn’t hang out because he was busy with his friends” or “She got mad because I was late meeting her.” We call it a red flag and move onto the next. We fail to consider the humanness in anyone else. Their circumstances and their fears. We even go so far as to label positive behaviors as red flags. “He wants to hang out like every day” or “She wants me to meet her friends, it’s too soon, she must be a clinger.” It’s absurd when you really think about it. We are all so afraid of each other that we play this perpetual game of one-up over who can care less, who can be less attached. And we expect to find love in the midst of that.

But love isn’t a game. And you can’t succeed at it by treating it as such. It’s impossible. To be “in love” is to truly share yourself with another and allow that person to share themselves with you. Love is only possible with time, courage, authenticity and acceptance. It takes time and effort to get to know someone, to develop a meaningful relationship, to build a foundation that will be strong enough to last through all of the trials and tribulations of life. It takes courage to risk the disappointment and pain you may feel if a relationship doesn’t work out. It takes being vulnerable and generous with your spirit, allowing someone to see your true self for them to ever be able to really love you. It takes accepting that people are imperfect and will hurt you. Not intentionally, but they will. And the closer you get to someone, the more their shortcomings impact you. But that’s love. It’s scary. It’s a gamble. It’s easier to play it safe and find reasons not to give people a chance. But that won’t lead you to love.

Throw up the white flag. Surrender. Let love in. <3

For a more personalized path to finding love, schedule a free consult with me.

Narcissist. A term I see being increasingly tossed around social media sites and blogs to describe people who are essentially self-obsessed. In a world with Google and WebMD constantly at our fingertips, it seems almost all of us are qualified to diagnose someone as a narcissist. With this ever-expanding epidemic comes a growing need to carefully consider just what makes someone a narcissist and how, or if, we should interact with one.

Spoiler Alert: This is going to be a long one, but worth your time if you find yourself in any form of relationship to a narcissist.

We have all encountered someone (or multiple someones) whom we would label a narcissist. There are a number of behaviors that clinicians, therapists and bloggers identify as narcissistic traits. Anyone who exhibits such behaviors therefore must be a narcissist, right? Let’s look at this. Get ready, because I’m about to turn the table on you.

You, dear reader, are a narcissist. That’s right. A self-obsessed, self-loving, self-loathing, my-way-or-the-highway narcissist. And that’s okay. It’s part of your humanness. Stay with me. I’ll prove it to you.

As human beings, we are all inclined to experience life as if we are the absolute frame of reference. Our reality is the only true reality. Our perspective is the only “right” perspective. And we are in this game of life, however charitable and philanthropic we may be, for ourselves. This is not to say that we don’t have periods of true apathy and sacrifice. We most certainly do. Because at the core of our humanness is only the desire to love and be loved. However, our primal instinct is to survive. In a world where there is a near-constant need to survive in the way of familial, educational, social, economic realities and beyond, we always resort back to self-interest.

Let me give you an example. Grief. As human beings, we experience the five stages of grief following a deep loss. But what exactly is grief a response to? Well, loss. Loss of what? Something that we had, that we want, that we no longer have. When we experience loss, such as a break-up, we first deny it. We can’t make sense of it, we feel confused. We refuse to accept that it’s real because we can’t cope. Then we get angry because we can’t cope. Then we beg and plead and barter because we can’t cope. Then we wallow in our sorrow because we can’t cope. Eventually we realize we are powerless and accept the loss. And we find someone else to love. Maybe not as much, maybe not the same way. But we find a new lover, best friend, mentor. We go through this process not because we genuinely love another person and want them to be happy, but because we want them to be with us, even if they aren’t happy. Because ultimately, we are all narcissistic and self-serving.

Now consider the tactics we attach to narcissists. A person we would call a narcissist experiences a loss of power. How do they react? They deny reality. They get angry. They manipulate, beg, plead out of desperation. They get depressed. All because they cannot cope. And eventually, when they come to terms with the reality that despite all of their efforts, they simply cannot change anything, they move on.

Narcissism is not a disease or disorder, in my opinion. Rather, it is an adaptation. This adaptation occurs physiologically, emotionally and behaviorally. It is a natural response that occurs in order for an individual to survive a chronic experience of loss. How extreme the adaptation depends on the extremity of the circumstances which caused it. Typically, we see extreme narcissistic tendencies in individuals who either experienced a chronic absence of love, affection and approval in childhood through either a withholding or abusive nature of the child’s primary caretaker, or the child experienced chronic suppression of his/her individuality and self-expression through excessive control, criticism and coddling. Children subjected to such environments grow up to be adults who  experience a chronic sense of powerlessness and the seemingly-appropriate (to them) response to the loss of power. This adaptation also occurs in adulthood in people exposed to chronic stress or abuse, but usually only in people with vulnerability or predisposition to extreme narcissistic attitudes. In either case, narcissists are far more sensitive to ego-injury and low self-esteem in daily life. And because of the loop of victimhood that all human beings play out, narcissists are certainly not exempt and will subconsciously and perpetually recreate situations that leave them feeling powerless in order to play out their role of the suppressed, lonely, unloved child.

Taking a deeper look at how narcissists go from normal, narcissistic human beings to diagnosably NPD, allows us to develop compassion for the tremendous amount of pain and suffering that hides beneath their adaptive behaviors. But are these people truly toxic and how should we interact with them, if at all?

There is no right or wrong answer here. Many experts and pseudo-experts will tell you that someone with extreme narcissistic tendencies is toxic and you must resort to limited or even no contact with the individual. In my opinion, this is an overly callous outlook that deems an individual, someone in an extreme amount of pain and desperate for a love they have never been able to access, merely disposable. And isn’t that our attitude toward relationships in general these days?

Consider the narcissist someone with an emotional handicap. While you may never receive the social support you would in caring for a quadriplegic or someone who is blind, narcissism is essentially a severe, post traumatic stress adaptation in which the individual lacks the actual capacity to connect with others, and not because he or she doesn’t want to. Someone with this adaptation is actually desperate for the very thing they can’t seem to grasp. Imagine a life where you did not have access to others. It’s a type of solitary confinement with no hope of release. That is the state of existence for a narcissist.

Being in relationship with any narcissist is very daunting. All relationships are, as we all function on some level as self-interested, self-obsessed narcissists. But with the extreme behaviors and tendencies of narcissism, life can be overwhelming and unstable. If you are not armed with knowledge, power and a solid self-worth, ongoing exposure to a narcissist can be crippling. How much you are willing to give, and take, is solely up to you. And the truth is, that until an individual has the willingness to acknowledge the cost of this defense mechanism in their life, change is unlikely. If the narcissist in your life indicates a willingness to seek help, know how much courage and vulnerability this takes and do your best to support them in beginning the long and arduous journey of healing. You can find some very helpful and hopeful resources below.

If you are struggling with a narcissist and would like support, contact me at info@kristinkoltick.com

For hopeful resources, click the link below.

The Landmark Forum

Schema Therapy Institute

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behari

Because I’m a woman and have a lot of female friends, my inclination was to look at this issue from that perspective. Women are innately nurturing and therefore, we are predisposed to want to heal, to love and to nourish. However, that assessment doesn’t address why men stay in these very same relationships which are tumultuous and toxic. Men, by nature, are problem solvers. Perhaps the male desire to fix things and make them work was playing a part behind the scenes as a motivator. But I just don’t think that’s the whole story.

In examining the role of our humanness, above and beyond what it means to be a man or to be a woman, there’s a greater force at play here. The ego.

When a relationship isn’t working, many of us tend to experience that as a personal failure. We think that we’re doing something wrong, or that there’s something about us at the source of that unworkability. We may find ourselves thinking that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, successful enough or any other self-deemed inadequacy. The relationship not working becomes our failure. So what do we do with failure?

What happens for us all in the face of failure is that the ego kicks in to protect us from shame, guilt and accountability. The ego exists to save face. And it’s an incredibly powerful phenomenon. Ego is so good at what it does that we’re often unable to even identify our failures. Instead, we automatically project blame onto others for our faults, and we don’t even know that it’s happening. The ego has us believe that we are innocent, and the victim of others’ poor judgment or behavior. The presence of ego invites an automatic defense mechanism. Yet, despite all of that survival responsiveness, deep down our ego doesn’t want us to be powerless. Ego wants control. So defensiveness is also attached to an innate will to exert power and dominance.

Imagine how this plays out in a relationship that simply doesn’t work, for two people who are unable to be with their own failure or get present to the role of their ego. And, in many cases, this failure-ego response is actually the source of unworkability of the relationship. When we experience, albeit subconsciously, the interactions of a relationship that isn’t working as our own failure, the ego is naturally present. We become defensive, attacking our partner without the willingness to self examine, which creates more toxicity within the relationship. And the bigger the problem, the stronger the ego’s need to fix it. It becomes a vicious cycle that neither person is willing to end because the experience of failure and the egoic drive to be powerful are running the show.

If you find yourself in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, what there is to get is that the unworkabilty of the relationship is not your failure. It simply means that who you are doesn’t work for another individual in the context of that relationship and, likewise, who that person is does not work for you. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is broken. There is nothing to fix. It is merely a situation that lacks integrity, in the sense that it’s not whole and complete. It doesn’t fit together as something whole and complete fit together.

Don’t exhaust yourself trying to be someone that does work for another human being and don’t impose an expectation that another individual should become someone else to work for you. We all have the right to be who we are and when we are robbed of that, we experience frustration, anger and resentment. All people have the capacity to transform who they are, but it must come from a willingness within. Transformation will never occur out of forced change. Give people the grace to be who they choose to be and, most importantly, allow yourself that same grace.

Why is judgment harmful for both the victim and culprit? Because judgment always comes from a place of insecurity.

Consider that whenever one person judges another, it’s because something about the person being judged has triggered an insecurity in the one casting the judgment. Something comes up for the aggressor that makes him or her uncomfortable and that person’s inability to be with their insecurity becomes a projection onto someone else.

So what triggers insecurity? Two things. Jealousy or guilt.

When we feel jealous of another human being, it means that person has some quality, trait or way of life that we feel inadequate about in our own lives. Without hesitation or awareness, our insecurity turns, instantaneously, into a judgment about the person who has what we don’t. That judgment may be about the specific area(s) where we feel we’re lacking or it may show up as something else entirely. But, the source of the judgment is always our own insecurity.

When it comes to guilt, we are just as uncomfortable sitting with this emotion. It’s much easier to point out someone else’s flaws or poor behavior than to be accountable for our own. And, again, our deflection can often be towards someone exhibiting the very behavior we experience shame over in ourselves. Or, we may judge someone for something we presume we would never be able to do or act in such a way. We see them as being “better,” “more in control,” “more easy going” or having some form of superiority that makes us feel insecure, so we find something else wrong with them to bring them down to our level, at least in our minds. Once more, the judgment occurs almost automatically, as a way to protect us from the experience of failure in our own behavior or inaction.

Judgment isn’t just harmful to the ones we judge. It’s actually much more disempowering to the one dishing out the judgment. When we criticize others, we are spreading insecurity, but we are also emboldening our own. Being critical and judgmental actually inhibits us from being able to self reflect, identify our insecurities and overcome them. Yet, the biggest cost of all is that judgment alienates people and robs us of our affinity to others.

The way to live a truly empowered life is to operate above judgment. If you’re being judged by others, simply be mindful that their criticism is merely a projection of their own insecurities. More importantly, be mindful of when, how and why you judge others. Get present to the underlying insecurities of your own that are being triggered by others. Once you identify those areas for yourself, you can begin the path to overcoming them.

“The secret to happiness is allowing all people and circumstance to be as they are and not as you think they should be.”

The holiday season is just around the corner. Or, maybe, it’s been here since October. Either way, this time of year tends to come with quite a bit of stress, obligation and overwhelm. Our kind sentiments and warm, fuzzy feelings get lost in the midst of worry; worry about money, travel, time, energy and just about anything else our minds can conjure up to disrupt our joy. The good news? It doesn’t have to be that way, at all.

I’m committed to living my life in a way that encompasses peace, exudes love and creates power. So I took some time to create a possibility for a truly joyful holiday season within that realm. I’ve come up with some strategies for myself and thought I’d share, in hopes that you all will experience a peaceful and happy holiday, and beyond.

• Get that image doesn’t mean anything. Absolutely nothing. The energy we put into making our homes look perfect, the Pinterest-worthy projects we do with the kids, the gifts we can’t afford…..all of these things are joy suckers. We do them to impress others, while driving ourselves crazy. And broke. And guess what. No one else cares. No one cares how perfect our wreaths look from the street, how much money we’ve spent on their gift or how many times we’ve snapped at our child before taking over their “handmade” teacher gift. YOU are the only one who cares, and you are really robbing yourself of the opportunity to enjoy this time of year. Want peace? Forget to impress!
• Presence, not presents. The holiday season can be a tremendous financial strain for anyone who’s already struggling to make ends meet. Even if money is a non-issue for you, you might be missing the mark on making the most of this holiday season. It’s a busy time of year and, when we’re blessed by abundance, it can be much easier to use our wallets than our hearts to make an impact for others. Generosity is an incredible act, and should be acknowledged. But what really moves people is when we share our most precious resource with them, our time. Instead of spending a fortune on presents, gift the people you love with your presence. It will go a lot further than you can imagine. Take them out for coffee or lunch. Join them for a yoga or pottery class. Grab tickets to a comedy or music show that they’d enjoy. Spend time and love instead of money and see what opens up in those relationships!
• Get creative. Don’t get me wrong. Pinterest is remarkable source of inspiration and handmade gifts are a fantastic way to limit your holiday spending. But there’s something to really get before you go down this road….Pinterest does not have to equal pressure. By all means, seek ideas. But making gifts, even with the kids, should be an enjoyable and satisfying way of sharing a piece of you with someone else. Allow yourself to create something without the concern of how it will turn out or be received. If it comes from the heart, it will be felt that way.
• Commit with care. We tend to overcommit ourselves throughout the year, but even more so during the holidays. In our quest to make the most of the season, to be productive and meet expectations, we say we will do things we simply don’t have the time (or interest) for. Time is our most valuable resource and so we should give it with love, but wisely. This year, try your best to avoid making commitments of this nature. Instead, commit only to things that will bring real value to you and the people around you. Once you’re committed to something, honor your commitments with care and contentment.
• Forget about food. Health & wellness are important aspects of a powerful and effective life. However, food is also an important part of holiday tradition and is often an expression of love. Let go of the need to maintain a rigid nutrition plan and simply allow yourself to be in the moment, enjoying food freely without the worry of guilt.
• Get complete with 2017. We’ve all experienced things this past year that have brought discord or disappointment. Perhaps you’ve been slighted in some regard. Perhaps you’ve lost something or someone important to you. Or, perhaps, things just didn’t go as planned. The truth is that it doesn’t matter. Nothing that’s happened has anything to do with who you are or where you’re going from here. Accept that what’s happened has happened, and be willing to move forward without resentment or regret.
• Create possibilities instead of resolutions. With a new year comes the pressures of getting it right this time around. We resolve to do things differently, or better, in the year to come. The problem is that we are setting ourselves up for failure and, with failure, comes the sense of defeat. And we give up. Instead of making a resolution to do this or not do that, try creating a possibility for 2018. In the realm of possibility, there is no failure or shortcoming. It’s merely about what is possible through action. And the cool thing about possibility is that it’s always possible. What are you going to create for your life in 2018?

1. Let go of expectations. We all cling to certain standards of how we want people to think about us and act toward us. We want to feel valued and cared for. The problem with that is that there’s no universality in what that looks like from one person to another. We cannot reasonably expect another person to be exactly what we want them to be. Imposing our expectations onto others is not only unfair, it’s disempowering to both people involved. It sets us up for perpetual disappointment and frustration, and creates a constant scenario in which we view the other person as falling short or being wrong. Having a healthy relationship demands that we accept and embrace people for who they are, without resignation or resentment.

2. Communicate with purpose. Everyone wants to be heard, to be validated and, most of the time, to be right. Often times, communication becomes accusatory and counterproductive. The key to healthy communication is to have intentionality; that is an intention for the conversation. And here’s a hint….the intention should be to resolve the issue at hand, not to drag it out and make someone feel bad. When you express your concerns to someone, be mindful of how your words, tone and body language may be received by them. Be kind, patient and clear about what you need from the conversation. Take time to hear their perspective rather than interrupting or simply waiting for your turn to speak again. Remember, the goal is to complete the conflict and not to make things worse.

3. Be willing to let go of being right. Being right, as I stated above, is important to all of us. It’s justification for our not-so-elegant behavior, for our negative feelings and for our opportunity to hold a grudge. Taking a stance to be right, however, holds no real power. If we are right, inherently we are making someone else wrong, and that creates a space for all sorts of negativity in the relationship. Whenever conflict arises, it’s best to take the approach that no one is right or wrong, and that there is simply something that needs to be worked through. After all, any relationship between two people is a partnership, with common goals. Work together, not against each other.

4. Be willing to walk away. This is a tough one, particularly for us ladies. Walking away means giving in, surrendering, being weak, letting someone else win. Only it doesn’t mean any of things, not actually. There are times, in the midst of conflict, where you reach a stalemate. Whether you’re both tired, frustrated with the conversation or preoccupied with outside stresses, there is a point when you need to get that nothing productive is going to come from continuing the conversation at that moment in time. If it’s an important issue, you can come back to it when emotions have settled and you’ve both cleared your heads. If it’s something small and meaningless, it’s better to just let it go altogether. But walking away can be a healthy, empowering thing for a relationship when the communication truly has gotten beyond any effectiveness. Just do it with kindness, intention and clarity. Tip for the guys, this is not an excuse to get out of conversations on a regular basis!

5. Accept apologies, even when they aren’t verbal. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re frustrated. You feel betrayed, disappointed, overwhelmed. I get it. We all have those moments, and we have a tendency to want to linger in them. Remember, we get to justify our unsavory thoughts and actions when we remain in a place of victimhood. And the price we pay for that is happiness, empowerment and freedom. Let. It. Go. If someone apologizes for their fault, accept it and move on. No ifs, ands or buts. If someone doesn’t offer you a verbal apology, let it go anyway. Some people have a hard time with saying they’re sorry. But they will express their remorse in other ways, if you pay attention. Things like compliments, small favors, extra attention or an unusually happy disposition can be indicative of guilt. So accept their attempt at rectification and let them off the hook. It’s simple, everyone wins.

For a more personal approach to your relationship struggles at home, work and beyond, schedule a free consult with me!

I was a young woman, naive in so many ways, and a virgin to the incessant demands and relentless uncertainty of adulthood. In the years that followed, I attended college. I got married. I became a mother. I developed a chronic illness. I became an entrepreneur. My marriage failed. My body failed. My business failed. I was lost. But, throughout the twists and turns of the path I was on, I found a way to navigate and strategize and, most importantly, envision a better future.

I shared my journey and surprisingly, people found inspiration and hope in that. People began reaching out to me, not only to offer encouragement or thank me for sharing my most vulnerable moments and the way I forged through them, but also to share their own personal experiences and struggles. People came to me to find strength, insight, help. It became my privilege and purpose to give it, and to share in their pain as well as in their hope.  Helping others sort through their circumstance, find direction and courage and create a clear path toward their own happiness became a personal mission.

I was working on other projects and building businesses, but all the while, I was distracted by the influx of people seeking the same thing I was working toward in my own life, happiness. Only I realized that it wasn’t a distraction at all. It was more of a calling, something that had become my passion and purpose. After quite a bit of discernment, introspection and the help of some powerful seminars and life coaching of my own, I decided that this is where my focus should be.

I am, by my very nature, a coach. A cheerleader, a helper, an encourager and a problem solver. It is within me the desire and the need to help people move past their fears and circumstances into the life they are capable and worthy of. That has become my mission.

As a life coach, I can help you identify your goals and the things that are holding you back from achieving them. I can help you sort through the uncertainty and make decisions confidently. I can help you find possibility in all the areas of your life where you want to create change. Together, we can create a vision for your ideal future and empower you to get you there.