Because I’m a woman and have a lot of female friends, my inclination was to look at this issue from that perspective. Women are innately nurturing and therefore, we are predisposed to want to heal, to love and to nourish. However, that assessment doesn’t address why men stay in these very same relationships which are tumultuous and toxic. Men, by nature, are problem solvers. Perhaps the male desire to fix things and make them work was playing a part behind the scenes as a motivator. But I just don’t think that’s the whole story.

In examining the role of our humanness, above and beyond what it means to be a man or to be a woman, there’s a greater force at play here. The ego.

When a relationship isn’t working, many of us tend to experience that as a personal failure. We think that we’re doing something wrong, or that there’s something about us at the source of that unworkability. We may find ourselves thinking that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, successful enough or any other self-deemed inadequacy. The relationship not working becomes our failure. So what do we do with failure?

What happens for us all in the face of failure is that the ego kicks in to protect us from shame, guilt and accountability. The ego exists to save face. And it’s an incredibly powerful phenomenon. Ego is so good at what it does that we’re often unable to even identify our failures. Instead, we automatically project blame onto others for our faults, and we don’t even know that it’s happening. The ego has us believe that we are innocent, and the victim of others’ poor judgment or behavior. The presence of ego invites an automatic defense mechanism. Yet, despite all of that survival responsiveness, deep down our ego doesn’t want us to be powerless. Ego wants control. So defensiveness is also attached to an innate will to exert power and dominance.

Imagine how this plays out in a relationship that simply doesn’t work, for two people who are unable to be with their own failure or get present to the role of their ego. And, in many cases, this failure-ego response is actually the source of unworkability of the relationship. When we experience, albeit subconsciously, the interactions of a relationship that isn’t working as our own failure, the ego is naturally present. We become defensive, attacking our partner without the willingness to self examine, which creates more toxicity within the relationship. And the bigger the problem, the stronger the ego’s need to fix it. It becomes a vicious cycle that neither person is willing to end because the experience of failure and the egoic drive to be powerful are running the show.

If you find yourself in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, what there is to get is that the unworkabilty of the relationship is not your failure. It simply means that who you are doesn’t work for another individual in the context of that relationship and, likewise, who that person is does not work for you. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is broken. There is nothing to fix. It is merely a situation that lacks integrity, in the sense that it’s not whole and complete. It doesn’t fit together as something whole and complete fit together.

Don’t exhaust yourself trying to be someone that does work for another human being and don’t impose an expectation that another individual should become someone else to work for you. We all have the right to be who we are and when we are robbed of that, we experience frustration, anger and resentment. All people have the capacity to transform who they are, but it must come from a willingness within. Transformation will never occur out of forced change. Give people the grace to be who they choose to be and, most importantly, allow yourself that same grace.

Yet, I think the piece of this puzzle most of us seem to miss is that in order to create something new, we need to get complete with what’s in the past. Otherwise, we carry it with us, unknowingly, and it keeps us from truly being able to move forward freely and powerfully. It’s kind of like carrying an invisible suitcase filled with bad memories, bad experiences and bad karma. We drag it around, it becomes heavier and heavier, and we don’t even know it’s there, so how can we put it down?

As we step into the final hours of another year passed, I encourage you to take a look at what’s in your suitcase and, piece by piece, lay it down. Is there someone you’ve been withholding forgiveness from? An estranged relationship? Maybe even a nagging grudge with a neighbor or coworker? Have you been struggling with insecurity in some area of your life?  Perhaps laziness or procrastination over starting something or handling something? These sorts of things fester in the background of our thoughts and, if we don’t acknowledge them and their utter lack of power over who we really are and what we are really capable of, they start to become a part of us. We can no longer act separately from that piece of who we’ve become.

Make a phone call. Apologize, even if it’s to yourself for something you’ve been feeling guilty over. Reach out. Declare forgiveness. Declare the past in the past, whatever it is and however painful. Declare that it’s gone and holds no power over you. And, once you’ve laid all of that heavy baggage down, declare a new possibility for yourself and your future. Who you’re going to be. What you’re going to accomplish. What you want your life to stand for.

Here’s a tip. The sky is the limit.

Creating something powerful in your life requires something distinct from change….Transformation.

Transformation is what occurs when you make a shift in who you are; how you think, act and experience the world. It is only in transformation that you find the source of living by design. So how do you transform yourself? For starters, we need to really get that transformation is not a goal or destination. It isn’t final. It’s an unceasing process, a path of constant growth and awareness. There is no right or wrong way to transform your life, so long as your commitment is to be the best version of yourself and to experience life as freely, joyfully and powerfully as possible.

Here are my suggestions for living a life of transformation.

1. Be accountable. Such a simple concept, yet such a challenge for us human beings. We are consumed by fears of failure or looking bad, so we make excuses and find justifications for every mistake we make. We weave a tangled web of lies, exaggerations and pretexts just to avoid being accountable. Then we make ourselves feel bad, guilty, defensive or even angry. It doesn’t need to be that complicated. It really doesn’t. Consider that all people make mistakes, all the time. You aren’t bad or wrong for missing the mark. There is tremendous power in simply acknowledging it, apologizing for it and moving forward.

2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is no freedom in obligation. Many of us live in a state of constant overwhelm because we over-commit ourselves. We say yes when we mean no, and then we hate the world and the people in it for being obligated. We immediately start creating reasons, or excuses, to get out of the things we say we’ll do because we are strapped for time, low on energy and downright cynical. We dismiss our commitments without regard for the impact it has on others, or we fulfill the demands and take out our frustration on those who carry no real blame. It’s a cycle of  mental and physical exhaustion that never ceases. If you want to transform your life, get off of the hamster wheel. Only commit to things you feel called to do and honor your commitments. You’ll feel energized and find a renewed sense of passion.

3. Create your disposition. It’s easy to blame our circumstance for our mood. It’s easy to blame our mood for a thousand other things like meanness, laziness or apathy. Can you see the loss of power here? The truth is that we are always in control of our disposition and, by extension, our corresponding actions. In the face of any life occurrence, we can actually choose to be whatever we want to be. So choose something like content, joyful or grateful and see how the world around you begins to change.

4. Let go of grudges. You’ve heard the expression that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That statement couldn’t be more true. Holding onto grudges is emotionally draining and physically toxic. The stress of emotional baggage can have very real effects on your body and mind. And truth be told, has little to no impact on whoever you’re holding that malice over. Resentment means you get to be right about staying angry, about living powerlessly, about being a victim. Guess where that leads. Nowhere. So let it go. Not for the other person, but for your own freedom. Make a call. Write a letter. Or simply affirm to yourself that you’ve suffered long enough and wish to move forward free of that weight and it’s impact on your life. Declare yourself over it.

5. Stop being obsessed with yourself. Tony Robbins says that the root of all suffering is obsession with self. When you sink into self obsession, meaning that your thoughts are consumed with you, it’s very difficult to feel empowered. Let’s face it, most of us aren’t overly confident with ourselves, so self-obsession shows up as relentless thoughts about our failures, shortcomings and inadequacies. It includes thinks like martyrism and self righteousness. It may even be that little voice telling us that we do so much and aren’t appreciated. We spiral further and further down a rabbit hole that only leads to self loathing, bitterness and ineffectiveness. Where real power and joy exists is in the world around us, and in who we be to others. So get out of your head and start focusing on who you can be to someone else, just for the sake of someone else and without regard for what reward or acknowledgement you may get out of it. Get involved in a charity or fundraiser, befriend someone who’s lonely or take on some random acts of kindness. Stepping outside of your “self” will provide an incredible amount of fulfillment for you. I promise.

For a more personalized approach to powerful living, schedule a free consult with me!