If you read my last blog post, you probably learned quite a bit about me. I revealed some of my deepest, darkest truths to the world wide web as part of a program I was completing back in May. And I’ve been pretty quiet here since then. But it’s not out of shame or embarrassment. The truth is that I’ve been insanely busy with some amazing changes in my life that all began when I finished the Landmark Forum and came back to Pittsburgh.

When I went to Los Angeles in early spring, my life here at home was in shambles. I had just lost a successful business I’d spent three years pouring my blood, sweat and tears into. My relationship ended abruptly, and in a very toxic way. I felt lost. I was alone, a single mom with no sustainable source of income and no idea where to go from there. So I boarded a plane to LA to get away and gain some clarity. My lifelong friend, Matt, had insisted I enroll in the Landmark Forum, a “self-help” seminar of which I had no knowledge about. I’ve always been invested in self growth and introspection and his passion and push for me to complete this program left me little excuse to decline.

The three (very long) days I spent doing the Forum were truly the most transformative of my life. When I gave birth to my son, I became a mother and I suddenly knew unconditional love for another. When I completed the Landmark Forum, I became free and I suddenly knew unconditional love for myself, and for all others. It was THAT powerful.

Life after Landmark has been a whirlwind, but I wanted to take some time to share with you what that’s been like. As a blogger, I always feel compelled to let you into my world. But truthfully, the point of this post is to share with you what is possible for you, through Landmark. Allow me to say, as a side note, that I am in no way affiliated with Landmark Worldwide. I simply want to pay it forward by sharing my experience.

Now, the good stuff!

As part of the course, I was encouraged to write letters and make phone calls to people I had wronged, or who had wronged me, as part of a self-liberation process from any guilt or resentment that might be holding me back from success, healthy relationships and really in any area of my life. This part of the Forum was challenging, but I welcomed the opportunity to free myself of the baggage I’d been dragging around for thirty-some years. I knew that, despite the outcome of those calls and letters, I’d be coming home to the same life in disarray, of which I had no idea how to rebuild. But I was returning with a newfound freedom; freedom from self-limitation, freedom from the guise of victimhood and freedom from fear.

As I stepped off of the plane in Pittsburgh, I was keenly aware of the absence of a fear that had come to dictate my existence. I knew that only possibility existed beyond those doors. I was ready for it, whatever it was.

I had two major goals for myself post-Landmark. The first was to do everything in my power to rebuild the relationship I had so intently destroyed prior. I knew that repairing the damage would not be easy, that it would take time, patience, determination and forgiveness. But I refused to believe that it was impossible. I only saw what was POSSIBLE. Pursuing this goal was one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life. It demanded that I remain outside of the meanings I was inclined to attach to everything that was said, or unsaid, done or undone. It demanded that I see the man that I love for who he really is, and not for the ways in which he responded to the unraveling of our relationship. It demanded that I forgive myself, and him over and over again, for our insecurities and fears and flaws. It demanded that I remain focused solely on the possibility of something new. And, in the end, through God’s grace and through the freedom and clarity I gained through the Landmark Forum, victory was ours. Mine, and his. And God’s. We are now happier and healthier than ever, and have a completely different relationship. And guess what? He decided to do the Forum as well!

It wasn’t just that relationship that was healed, though. Virtually every relationship in my life improved because I had learned how to separate people from their actions, and separate people’s actions from the meanings we attach to them. I was able to see people for who they truly are, behind the walls and beneath the scars. I was able to be my true self as well.

My second goal, after returning home, was to move forward with my professional life. After losing my business, I was terrified to pour my heart into something else and fail. I felt inadequate, and doomed to failure. I found excuses to stay where I was, afraid to take that risk again. But after Landmark, I knew what I wanted to do. And I knew what I needed to do to get there. So I got to work. I’ve been quiet here, but behind the screen, I’ve been insanely busy working on an entirely new business that I am so excited about. I’ve partnered with a great friend of mine to bring something unique and fresh to Pittsburgh’s dating scene! And after months of research, hard work and all of the chaos that a start-up brings, we are just two weeks away from opening our doors. My goal is to build this company to become a staple in Pittsburgh, helping people find love, and eventually head back to Los Angeles to start building there as well.

I’ve also been working behind the scenes on a strategy to develop my personal brand and focus on finding my direction there. I’m excited to be offering life and business coaching both in-office and virtually. You can find more info under the Coaching tab!

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to spend as much quality time with my son as possible during the warm, summer months and before he heads back to school and the new company launches. I’m heading back to LA in October to do the next course in the Landmark curriculum. I’m also doing Landmark seminar series here in Pittsburgh that starts next week.

Only three months after my experience with Landmark, life looks completely different. The impossible became possible, and the possible became reality. I have some big goals I’m still working on, but I have total confidence in my ability to make them happen. Until then, I’m enjoying the ride and all I’ve been blessed with.

For more information on the Landmark Forum, visit http://www.landmarkworldwide.com

I have prayed countless prayers about how to regain my hope, my spirit, my passion and, on a deeper level, my relationships and reputation for being a cultivator of change. I’m at a loss. While I have taken the necessary time and energy to pick up the scattered pieces of my personal life and place them, as best I could, back together ~perhaps with a little duck tape and more than a little wine~ my business and public life remain fractured. And I need to address it. There are far more people than I have the ability to explain or apologize to individually, my hope is that this space can become my haven for recompense, for renewal, and for rebirth.

Seven  years ago, my world was turned upside down when I suddenly and unexpectedly became very sick. I suppose that sort of thing is never expected and always sudden. Everything I had worked so diligently for, everything that I was, was taken away from me, piece by piece. I was powerless to do anything more than watch, like the passerby of a horrible traffic accident. It felt surreal. But it was also survival, in its rawest form.

I managed to claw my way out of it, to some extent, for a short period of time. I was over-medicated and undermined, but life went on to a manageable degree. And I became a mother. A prodigious blessing, however unexpected. A life changing event, gift, experience, purpose. But motherhood inflamed, quite literally, my body’s inability to function properly and despite the arsenal of prescription “management”, I quickly became very sick, once again.

I learned a very difficult lesson throughout this season of my life. Well, maybe a few lessons. But the one that has been ingrained most deeply is the dichotomy of being labeled with a chronic illness and not having that label. At the times when I became critically ill, I was still living life without an official diagnosis. And that state of limbo was an arduous place to exist.  It was easy for the people around me to dismiss what was happening to me, to make light of it. From an outside view, I didn’t look sick. I appeared normal, healthy. Only my husband, who shared that formidable space behind the walls of our home, understood how sick I truly was becoming. Without a diagnosis, without a label, most of the people around me simply thought I was being overly reactionary. It was very isolating, and after a time, I grew weary of trying to explain my blank stares, sudden departures and excessive absences. It was just easier to survive within my own hell than to attempt to bring anyone else into it.

For several years, I struggled to be a wife, to be a mother, to get out of bed. But I found saving grace in building a business that allowed me to help other people live healthier lives. I became so fiercely passionate about it, that in some ways, I neglected an already crippled marriage I barely noticed was on the verge of collapse. Until it did.  And once again, my world shifted violently into someplace unfamiliar and unclear. For several months, I tried to maintain the charade of being a professional cultivator of inspiration. But behind the screen of Facebook and Instagram, I was acutely struggling to find my own. And so I made the decision to come clean.

I don’t regret that choice. I am, and always have been, an open book. I believe in being who I am, unapolagetically. But the decision did not come without recourse. During the most intense period of tribulation of my life, I was harshly criticized, judged, insulted. Because of that, I began to withdraw from my business, from social media and even from my personal relationships. I was terrified of the vengeful disapproval. And it was everywhere, about everything that was my life, or what people perceived my life to be.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been the charmed recipient of far more love and support than the latter. And I am so grateful for that. It’s been my anchor. Despite my eternal optimism, I’ve somehow allowed myself to become a victim of the hearsay and judgment. I’ve let it change me, and rob me of the things I worked so hard to reclaim. My health, my relationships, my passion, my vision. But, as we all know, life goes on. We cannot live safely in the past, but rather, we must step through fear into a hopeful future. From this moment, I am leaving the past where it belongs, I’m closing the door on my failures and walking forward in faith. Because there is no other choice. I refuse to throw in the towel.

And so I write this as a letter of apology, as a declaration of betterment, as an oath of restoration.

Life goes on, and we are all the better for that.

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