“Toxic masculinity” offers a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. The term refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth. Toxic masculinity is a lie and here’s why.

If you haven’t seen the Gillette ad, you can watch it here.

This self-described film is merely an illustration of the way the term “toxic masculinity” collapses inherent maleness with abusive and toxic behavior. Towards the end of the video, we see a line of men robotically repeating the words “boys will be boys.” This comes after a barrage of video clips showing men engaged in sexual harassment, aggression and violence. What’s problematic about this is the implication that boys being boys equals sexual exploitation and physical aggression, and that as a culture, we are tolerant of this. The natural response to such a culture is, of course, fear and loathing. So what happens when we, as women, fear and loathe men? And what happens when men fear and loathe themselves?

Herein lies the impact of this concept of “toxic masculinity.”

The Gillette ad, and furthermore our society, has been perpetuating a cultural notion that masculinity is “bad” and that we live under an evil patriarchy where “bad” men get away with very “bad” behavior. Only it isn’t true. In this country, people who commit crimes like rape, sexual assault and violence are prosecuted and penalized. There are organizations, awareness advocacy and movements against bullying. Men who are sexually promiscuous or sexually exploitative toward women suffer consequences. There is nothing about our culture that actually condones or tolerates these behaviors. Nor are these behaviors descriptive of MASCULINITY.

Let’s look a little deeper. Sure there are men who behave this way. There are men who “play” women, who cheat and lie. There are men who abuse women physically and emotionally. There are men who use their “male privilege” to justify, “mansplain” and to get ahead in the corporate world. There are men who rape and assault women. And there are women who do the same. In fact, I don’t know a single man who displays more toxic masculinity that I see from radical feminists. According to feminism, we should devalue our inherent femininity as mothers and nurturers and instead berate men, abuse men, avoid marriage, collect sexual partners, bully other women and children who don’t share the same views and even falsely accuse men of rape. Basically, we should use any means necessary to get what we want, even if it exploits other human beings, because we are women. Isn’t that the exact same thing feminists describe as toxic masculinity???

So if toxic masculinity is so toxic, why are we being encouraged by feminism to engage in it as women? Will that somehow make us more powerful than men? No thanks. I’d rather embrace my God-given femininity and allow men to do the same with their masculinity.

There are men who are great fathers, who work hard at juggling career and family, who treat women with respect. There are men who are husbands, fathers, leaders, coaches, teachers, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, pastors and preachers. There are men who, when confident in their inherent gifts of true masculinity, make the world a better place. There are women who are mothers, wives, nurses, teachers, coaches, entrepreneurs, pastors and preachers making the world a better place. We do this when we bring authenticity. When we lack authenticity, we lack integrity and nothing works.

Look around. The statistics on divorce, on single motherhood, on people no longer interested in marriage or parenthood. Relationships aren’t working and it’s a massive breakdown in our society. The source of it is in-authenticity. Men don’t get to be men and women don’t get to be women. We were designed to be a perfect compliment to one another, yet none of us is fulfilling that role. Men aren’t celebrated for their natural ability to be assertive, to make decisions, to lead, to coach, to protect and provide. They are devalued as fathers, suppressed as husbands and reduced to little worth beyond generating income. Men who behave in toxic ways are not the majority, they don’t represent the norm. They’re merely lashing out in rebellion to the suppression they sense but can’t quite pinpoint. Other men succumb to the suppression, swallowing the self-loathing being branded onto them by the propagation of “toxic masculinity.” They no longer know or trust themselves to function as men. They can’t make decisions or take the initiative, they let a woman do it for them. Because they don’t want to be “bad.” Then we, as women, complain about how ineffective and unassertive they are.

And what about the women? What’s the real impact on us?

When we don’t allow men to be men, to provide and protect and lead, we lose the security God intended for us inside of His perfect gift of marriage. We are forced to show up in protection of ourselves, creating a world of excuses and defense mechanisms for why we don’t want or “need” a man. We are forced to forego motherhood, the greatest gift of all, in exchange for financial stability. We are forced to play the role of breadwinner, manager, mother, father, teacher, nurse, housekeeper and on and on and on. We are robbed of peace, security, and most importantly, LOVE. We are on our own, in it for and by ourselves. And everything we tell ourselves about girl power and independence won’t give us access to what we truly, authentically, crave. The provision, protection and love of a partner.

As long as we continue to suppress our own authentic nature, everyone loses. But there is hope, always.

Click the link to learn more about my collaboration with the Head & Heart Project and discover your path to a powerful and joyful relationship today.

I see you. I hear you. I feel your pain. I know your desperation. To be heard, to be valued, to be empowered for, by, through and of your womanhood.

But here’s the thing…the thing we are missing as females….

Behaving like men, bashing men, devaluing men or pushing men away doesn’t actually get us heard or valued or empowered. What it does get us is angry, bitter, cynical, resigned, fearful and lonely. And powerless.

I’m an activist. I get activism. And sometimes activism takes force. But activism only works when we remain authentic to ourselves and our cause. Modern feminism has done neither. It hasn’t only devalued masculinity, which most certainly has benefits to families, children, relationships and society – it has also devalued our inherent femininity, which is an inherently beautiful and powerful thing.

Our femininity is emotional, nurturing, gentle, graceful, patient and generous. It’s what allows us to be good mothers, wives, friends and caretakers. It’s what gives us strength and resilience. Femininity has been the foundation, the groundedness, throughout countless dark and uncertain times of history. Our femininity is a gift, and one that is unique to us women. It is the source of our true power.

Feminism has all but abandoned femininity. We have become loud, crude and aggressive in our activism and in our homes. We have become bossy, demanding, emotionally unavailable, sexually promiscuous and fiercely independent. We have adopted the very thing we claim to oppose, “toxic masculinity.” And therein lies the breakdown of the feminist movement. We’ve lost our authenticity, as women. And in doing so, we have surrendered our power.

Everywhere I look, I see single feminists pretending to be happy. We proclaim our liberation from men with hashtags like #single4life. We declare our loathing for men over cocktails with our single friends. Yet, beneath the false apathy lies a sincere longing for a happy and healthy connection to a good and honorable man. We lie to ourselves. Maybe because we’ve been conditioned to be so fearful of men that we can’t acknowledge wanting one. Maybe because we don’t want to betray our fellow feminists by selling out. Maybe because we don’t want to be accountable for the reality that we are the ones parading around with toxic masculinity and devaluing other human beings.

Whatever the case, we can’t reasonably expect to simultaneously hate men and be loved by them.

We can’t reasonably expect to create change with hypocrisy and inauthenticity.

We can’t reasonably expect to be powerful when we abandon the source of our power.

What we CAN do is embrace who are. We can use our true, innate power to create anything we want for ourselves. We can be honest with ourselves and with others about what it is that we want. We can be courageous enough to put ourselves out there, to try again at love even though we may have been hurt by a man who didn’t know how to be a man. We can still rise up and BE WOMEN.

It’s okay to admit that you can’t or don’t want to do it all alone.

It’s okay to admit that deep down, you want a man to love and be loved by.

It’s okay to admit that men aren’t BAD.

It’s even okay to use your feminine superpowers to support, encourage, nurture and love a man who wants to love you back, even if he isn’t perfect, which he won’t be.

It’s perfectly okay to be feminine. In fact, it’s better than okay. It’s authentic. It’s organic. It’s strong, courageous, kind, capable, bold, beautiful and POWERFUL. It’s who you are, when you wipe away the fear.

So girl, be your best you. Live your best life. Be empowered. Fly high. Chase your dreams. Make a difference. Use your superpowers. But remember, those powers aren’t found in screaming, emasculating, bashing or even in a vagina hat. They’re not found in your feminism, but in your femininity.

With love, hope & faith in you and the sisterhood of the world,

Kristin