Guilt kills. Not literally, of course. But it does kill your spirit, confidence, effectiveness and connection with others. So it’s no wonder that human beings work diligently to avoid guilt. We lie, deny, justify, shift blame, invalidate and do a hundred other things to NOT feel guilty.

Here’s the problem. Guilt is a feeling that lingers and eats away at us. It doesn’t serve us in any way. To feel guilt is to carry the weight – and shame – of the past into the present. Intuitively, we know that doesn’t serve us and we resist being labeled as guilty, or to blame. But in the process, we fail to OWN what we have to own.

Ownership is not the same thing as guilt. Ownership actually does serve us. It allows us acknowledge that we’ve made a mistake, caused someone hurt or disappointment and provide closure for ourselves and others. Imagine how it feels when someone hurts you and refuses to accept responsibility for that. It makes us feel worse. We hold a grudge and develop resentment. We lose trust. And, if it continues, we lose relationships.

It’s important to understand the distinction between guilt and ownership, instead of collapsing the two. No one wants to carry guilt, or the shame that’s attached to it. And we shouldn’t. But we absolutely should be responsible for and own up to the moments when we hurt someone or let someone down. When we own that, we acknowledge that something we did or did not do left someone else feeling bad. In the moment we own it, it gets complete. And even if it comes back up again, meaning that something triggers the memory of that hurt for someone – just simply acknowledging it again instead of denying it, defending it or justifying it, makes all the difference and creates a clear and open space for the relationship.

Your power is in your ownership, not in pretending you’re perfect. You’re not fooling anyone anyway.

In summary, own your shit – then everyone can release it and move on. <3

When we focus on ourselves, we can easily gather all the evidence we need not to care about responsibilities, expectations, our own hopes and dreams and, worst of all, one another. Every time something doesn’t go as planned, we’re confronted with adversity or another human being hurts us, we’re faced with the temptation to say “screw it” and throw in the towel. Give up. On our jobs, our families, our relationships and our own aspirations. But to respond to circumstance with apathy is really just a mask for cowardice. You’ve been hurt, disappointed, let down, failed and you don’t want to risk facing that again. It’s EASIER to walk away, to dismiss that responsibility, that goal or that person and just give up.

APATHY = FEAR.

Human beings weren’t meant to be disconnected from one another. We are social creatures, dependent on community. We do not thrive, or even survive, in isolation. Yet apathy is a psychological tool we use to separate ourselves from one another. And it’s completely inauthentic. Inherently, human beings long for love, acceptance and socialization with other humans. But that isn’t possible with apathy. It’s only possible with empathy.

Empathy is the ability to step outside of your own thoughts, emotions, experience, expectations and “needs” and to put yourself into the mindset of another human being. To really GET that your reality is only yours and that people have their own perception and experience. And that each is valid. Empathy is giving up the need to be right or heard or validated and being committed to understanding someone else. It’s allowing someone the grace, tolerance, acceptance, patience and forgiveness they need in their humanness. It’s having the courage to keep moving forward knowing you may be hurt or let down or fail, but that the privilege to simply BE with another human being, sharing their time and space, contributing to their life and gaining in return, is well worth the risk. Empathy is embracing your innate connection to other human beings absent of expectation or fear. It creates a space for you to be your authentic self and for others to be theirs. And THAT is a powerful place to come from.

Stop giving up on your responsibilities. On your dreams. On the people you care about. Life is hard and messy, that’s the price we pay for being alive. Toss out your drawer full of apathy and try on something new. EMPATHY = LOVE.

I see you. I hear you. I feel your pain. I know your desperation. To be heard, to be valued, to be empowered for, by, through and of your womanhood.

But here’s the thing…the thing we are missing as females….

Behaving like men, bashing men, devaluing men or pushing men away doesn’t actually get us heard or valued or empowered. What it does get us is angry, bitter, cynical, resigned, fearful and lonely. And powerless.

I’m an activist. I get activism. And sometimes activism takes force. But activism only works when we remain authentic to ourselves and our cause. Modern feminism has done neither. It hasn’t only devalued masculinity, which most certainly has benefits to families, children, relationships and society – it has also devalued our inherent femininity, which is an inherently beautiful and powerful thing.

Our femininity is emotional, nurturing, gentle, graceful, patient and generous. It’s what allows us to be good mothers, wives, friends and caretakers. It’s what gives us strength and resilience. Femininity has been the foundation, the groundedness, throughout countless dark and uncertain times of history. Our femininity is a gift, and one that is unique to us women. It is the source of our true power.

Feminism has all but abandoned femininity. We have become loud, crude and aggressive in our activism and in our homes. We have become bossy, demanding, emotionally unavailable, sexually promiscuous and fiercely independent. We have adopted the very thing we claim to oppose, “toxic masculinity.” And therein lies the breakdown of the feminist movement. We’ve lost our authenticity, as women. And in doing so, we have surrendered our power.

Everywhere I look, I see single feminists pretending to be happy. We proclaim our liberation from men with hashtags like #single4life. We declare our loathing for men over cocktails with our single friends. Yet, beneath the false apathy lies a sincere longing for a happy and healthy connection to a good and honorable man. We lie to ourselves. Maybe because we’ve been conditioned to be so fearful of men that we can’t acknowledge wanting one. Maybe because we don’t want to betray our fellow feminists by selling out. Maybe because we don’t want to be accountable for the reality that we are the ones parading around with toxic masculinity and devaluing other human beings.

Whatever the case, we can’t reasonably expect to simultaneously hate men and be loved by them.

We can’t reasonably expect to create change with hypocrisy and inauthenticity.

We can’t reasonably expect to be powerful when we abandon the source of our power.

What we CAN do is embrace who are. We can use our true, innate power to create anything we want for ourselves. We can be honest with ourselves and with others about what it is that we want. We can be courageous enough to put ourselves out there, to try again at love even though we may have been hurt by a man who didn’t know how to be a man. We can still rise up and BE WOMEN.

It’s okay to admit that you can’t or don’t want to do it all alone.

It’s okay to admit that deep down, you want a man to love and be loved by.

It’s okay to admit that men aren’t BAD.

It’s even okay to use your feminine superpowers to support, encourage, nurture and love a man who wants to love you back, even if he isn’t perfect, which he won’t be.

It’s perfectly okay to be feminine. In fact, it’s better than okay. It’s authentic. It’s organic. It’s strong, courageous, kind, capable, bold, beautiful and POWERFUL. It’s who you are, when you wipe away the fear.

So girl, be your best you. Live your best life. Be empowered. Fly high. Chase your dreams. Make a difference. Use your superpowers. But remember, those powers aren’t found in screaming, emasculating, bashing or even in a vagina hat. They’re not found in your feminism, but in your femininity.

With love, hope & faith in you and the sisterhood of the world,

Kristin

Narcissist. A term I see being increasingly tossed around social media sites and blogs to describe people who are essentially self-obsessed. In a world with Google and WebMD constantly at our fingertips, it seems almost all of us are qualified to diagnose someone as a narcissist. With this ever-expanding epidemic comes a growing need to carefully consider just what makes someone a narcissist and how, or if, we should interact with one.

Spoiler Alert: This is going to be a long one, but worth your time if you find yourself in any form of relationship to a narcissist.

We have all encountered someone (or multiple someones) whom we would label a narcissist. There are a number of behaviors that clinicians, therapists and bloggers identify as narcissistic traits. Anyone who exhibits such behaviors therefore must be a narcissist, right? Let’s look at this. Get ready, because I’m about to turn the table on you.

You, dear reader, are a narcissist. That’s right. A self-obsessed, self-loving, self-loathing, my-way-or-the-highway narcissist. And that’s okay. It’s part of your humanness. Stay with me. I’ll prove it to you.

As human beings, we are all inclined to experience life as if we are the absolute frame of reference. Our reality is the only true reality. Our perspective is the only “right” perspective. And we are in this game of life, however charitable and philanthropic we may be, for ourselves. This is not to say that we don’t have periods of true apathy and sacrifice. We most certainly do. Because at the core of our humanness is only the desire to love and be loved. However, our primal instinct is to survive. In a world where there is a near-constant need to survive in the way of familial, educational, social, economic realities and beyond, we always resort back to self-interest.

Let me give you an example. Grief. As human beings, we experience the five stages of grief following a deep loss. But what exactly is grief a response to? Well, loss. Loss of what? Something that we had, that we want, that we no longer have. When we experience loss, such as a break-up, we first deny it. We can’t make sense of it, we feel confused. We refuse to accept that it’s real because we can’t cope. Then we get angry because we can’t cope. Then we beg and plead and barter because we can’t cope. Then we wallow in our sorrow because we can’t cope. Eventually we realize we are powerless and accept the loss. And we find someone else to love. Maybe not as much, maybe not the same way. But we find a new lover, best friend, mentor. We go through this process not because we genuinely love another person and want them to be happy, but because we want them to be with us, even if they aren’t happy. Because ultimately, we are all narcissistic and self-serving.

Now consider the tactics we attach to narcissists. A person we would call a narcissist experiences a loss of power. How do they react? They deny reality. They get angry. They manipulate, beg, plead out of desperation. They get depressed. All because they cannot cope. And eventually, when they come to terms with the reality that despite all of their efforts, they simply cannot change anything, they move on.

Narcissism is not a disease or disorder, in my opinion. Rather, it is an adaptation. This adaptation occurs physiologically, emotionally and behaviorally. It is a natural response that occurs in order for an individual to survive a chronic experience of loss. How extreme the adaptation depends on the extremity of the circumstances which caused it. Typically, we see extreme narcissistic tendencies in individuals who either experienced a chronic absence of love, affection and approval in childhood through either a withholding or abusive nature of the child’s primary caretaker, or the child experienced chronic suppression of his/her individuality and self-expression through excessive control, criticism and coddling. Children subjected to such environments grow up to be adults who  experience a chronic sense of powerlessness and the seemingly-appropriate (to them) response to the loss of power. This adaptation also occurs in adulthood in people exposed to chronic stress or abuse, but usually only in people with vulnerability or predisposition to extreme narcissistic attitudes. In either case, narcissists are far more sensitive to ego-injury and low self-esteem in daily life. And because of the loop of victimhood that all human beings play out, narcissists are certainly not exempt and will subconsciously and perpetually recreate situations that leave them feeling powerless in order to play out their role of the suppressed, lonely, unloved child.

Taking a deeper look at how narcissists go from normal, narcissistic human beings to diagnosably NPD, allows us to develop compassion for the tremendous amount of pain and suffering that hides beneath their adaptive behaviors. But are these people truly toxic and how should we interact with them, if at all?

There is no right or wrong answer here. Many experts and pseudo-experts will tell you that someone with extreme narcissistic tendencies is toxic and you must resort to limited or even no contact with the individual. In my opinion, this is an overly callous outlook that deems an individual, someone in an extreme amount of pain and desperate for a love they have never been able to access, merely disposable. And isn’t that our attitude toward relationships in general these days?

Consider the narcissist someone with an emotional handicap. While you may never receive the social support you would in caring for a quadriplegic or someone who is blind, narcissism is essentially a severe, post traumatic stress adaptation in which the individual lacks the actual capacity to connect with others, and not because he or she doesn’t want to. Someone with this adaptation is actually desperate for the very thing they can’t seem to grasp. Imagine a life where you did not have access to others. It’s a type of solitary confinement with no hope of release. That is the state of existence for a narcissist.

Being in relationship with any narcissist is very daunting. All relationships are, as we all function on some level as self-interested, self-obsessed narcissists. But with the extreme behaviors and tendencies of narcissism, life can be overwhelming and unstable. If you are not armed with knowledge, power and a solid self-worth, ongoing exposure to a narcissist can be crippling. How much you are willing to give, and take, is solely up to you. And the truth is, that until an individual has the willingness to acknowledge the cost of this defense mechanism in their life, change is unlikely. If the narcissist in your life indicates a willingness to seek help, know how much courage and vulnerability this takes and do your best to support them in beginning the long and arduous journey of healing. You can find some very helpful and hopeful resources below.

If you are struggling with a narcissist and would like support, contact me at info@kristinkoltick.com

For hopeful resources, click the link below.

The Landmark Forum

Schema Therapy Institute

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behari

Because I’m a woman and have a lot of female friends, my inclination was to look at this issue from that perspective. Women are innately nurturing and therefore, we are predisposed to want to heal, to love and to nourish. However, that assessment doesn’t address why men stay in these very same relationships which are tumultuous and toxic. Men, by nature, are problem solvers. Perhaps the male desire to fix things and make them work was playing a part behind the scenes as a motivator. But I just don’t think that’s the whole story.

In examining the role of our humanness, above and beyond what it means to be a man or to be a woman, there’s a greater force at play here. The ego.

When a relationship isn’t working, many of us tend to experience that as a personal failure. We think that we’re doing something wrong, or that there’s something about us at the source of that unworkability. We may find ourselves thinking that we aren’t good enough, strong enough, successful enough or any other self-deemed inadequacy. The relationship not working becomes our failure. So what do we do with failure?

What happens for us all in the face of failure is that the ego kicks in to protect us from shame, guilt and accountability. The ego exists to save face. And it’s an incredibly powerful phenomenon. Ego is so good at what it does that we’re often unable to even identify our failures. Instead, we automatically project blame onto others for our faults, and we don’t even know that it’s happening. The ego has us believe that we are innocent, and the victim of others’ poor judgment or behavior. The presence of ego invites an automatic defense mechanism. Yet, despite all of that survival responsiveness, deep down our ego doesn’t want us to be powerless. Ego wants control. So defensiveness is also attached to an innate will to exert power and dominance.

Imagine how this plays out in a relationship that simply doesn’t work, for two people who are unable to be with their own failure or get present to the role of their ego. And, in many cases, this failure-ego response is actually the source of unworkability of the relationship. When we experience, albeit subconsciously, the interactions of a relationship that isn’t working as our own failure, the ego is naturally present. We become defensive, attacking our partner without the willingness to self examine, which creates more toxicity within the relationship. And the bigger the problem, the stronger the ego’s need to fix it. It becomes a vicious cycle that neither person is willing to end because the experience of failure and the egoic drive to be powerful are running the show.

If you find yourself in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, what there is to get is that the unworkabilty of the relationship is not your failure. It simply means that who you are doesn’t work for another individual in the context of that relationship and, likewise, who that person is does not work for you. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is broken. There is nothing to fix. It is merely a situation that lacks integrity, in the sense that it’s not whole and complete. It doesn’t fit together as something whole and complete fit together.

Don’t exhaust yourself trying to be someone that does work for another human being and don’t impose an expectation that another individual should become someone else to work for you. We all have the right to be who we are and when we are robbed of that, we experience frustration, anger and resentment. All people have the capacity to transform who they are, but it must come from a willingness within. Transformation will never occur out of forced change. Give people the grace to be who they choose to be and, most importantly, allow yourself that same grace.

Why is judgment harmful for both the victim and culprit? Because judgment always comes from a place of insecurity.

Consider that whenever one person judges another, it’s because something about the person being judged has triggered an insecurity in the one casting the judgment. Something comes up for the aggressor that makes him or her uncomfortable and that person’s inability to be with their insecurity becomes a projection onto someone else.

So what triggers insecurity? Two things. Jealousy or guilt.

When we feel jealous of another human being, it means that person has some quality, trait or way of life that we feel inadequate about in our own lives. Without hesitation or awareness, our insecurity turns, instantaneously, into a judgment about the person who has what we don’t. That judgment may be about the specific area(s) where we feel we’re lacking or it may show up as something else entirely. But, the source of the judgment is always our own insecurity.

When it comes to guilt, we are just as uncomfortable sitting with this emotion. It’s much easier to point out someone else’s flaws or poor behavior than to be accountable for our own. And, again, our deflection can often be towards someone exhibiting the very behavior we experience shame over in ourselves. Or, we may judge someone for something we presume we would never be able to do or act in such a way. We see them as being “better,” “more in control,” “more easy going” or having some form of superiority that makes us feel insecure, so we find something else wrong with them to bring them down to our level, at least in our minds. Once more, the judgment occurs almost automatically, as a way to protect us from the experience of failure in our own behavior or inaction.

Judgment isn’t just harmful to the ones we judge. It’s actually much more disempowering to the one dishing out the judgment. When we criticize others, we are spreading insecurity, but we are also emboldening our own. Being critical and judgmental actually inhibits us from being able to self reflect, identify our insecurities and overcome them. Yet, the biggest cost of all is that judgment alienates people and robs us of our affinity to others.

The way to live a truly empowered life is to operate above judgment. If you’re being judged by others, simply be mindful that their criticism is merely a projection of their own insecurities. More importantly, be mindful of when, how and why you judge others. Get present to the underlying insecurities of your own that are being triggered by others. Once you identify those areas for yourself, you can begin the path to overcoming them.

“The secret to happiness is allowing all people and circumstance to be as they are and not as you think they should be.”

Creating something powerful in your life requires something distinct from change….Transformation.

Transformation is what occurs when you make a shift in who you are; how you think, act and experience the world. It is only in transformation that you find the source of living by design. So how do you transform yourself? For starters, we need to really get that transformation is not a goal or destination. It isn’t final. It’s an unceasing process, a path of constant growth and awareness. There is no right or wrong way to transform your life, so long as your commitment is to be the best version of yourself and to experience life as freely, joyfully and powerfully as possible.

Here are my suggestions for living a life of transformation.

1. Be accountable. Such a simple concept, yet such a challenge for us human beings. We are consumed by fears of failure or looking bad, so we make excuses and find justifications for every mistake we make. We weave a tangled web of lies, exaggerations and pretexts just to avoid being accountable. Then we make ourselves feel bad, guilty, defensive or even angry. It doesn’t need to be that complicated. It really doesn’t. Consider that all people make mistakes, all the time. You aren’t bad or wrong for missing the mark. There is tremendous power in simply acknowledging it, apologizing for it and moving forward.

2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is no freedom in obligation. Many of us live in a state of constant overwhelm because we over-commit ourselves. We say yes when we mean no, and then we hate the world and the people in it for being obligated. We immediately start creating reasons, or excuses, to get out of the things we say we’ll do because we are strapped for time, low on energy and downright cynical. We dismiss our commitments without regard for the impact it has on others, or we fulfill the demands and take out our frustration on those who carry no real blame. It’s a cycle of  mental and physical exhaustion that never ceases. If you want to transform your life, get off of the hamster wheel. Only commit to things you feel called to do and honor your commitments. You’ll feel energized and find a renewed sense of passion.

3. Create your disposition. It’s easy to blame our circumstance for our mood. It’s easy to blame our mood for a thousand other things like meanness, laziness or apathy. Can you see the loss of power here? The truth is that we are always in control of our disposition and, by extension, our corresponding actions. In the face of any life occurrence, we can actually choose to be whatever we want to be. So choose something like content, joyful or grateful and see how the world around you begins to change.

4. Let go of grudges. You’ve heard the expression that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That statement couldn’t be more true. Holding onto grudges is emotionally draining and physically toxic. The stress of emotional baggage can have very real effects on your body and mind. And truth be told, has little to no impact on whoever you’re holding that malice over. Resentment means you get to be right about staying angry, about living powerlessly, about being a victim. Guess where that leads. Nowhere. So let it go. Not for the other person, but for your own freedom. Make a call. Write a letter. Or simply affirm to yourself that you’ve suffered long enough and wish to move forward free of that weight and it’s impact on your life. Declare yourself over it.

5. Stop being obsessed with yourself. Tony Robbins says that the root of all suffering is obsession with self. When you sink into self obsession, meaning that your thoughts are consumed with you, it’s very difficult to feel empowered. Let’s face it, most of us aren’t overly confident with ourselves, so self-obsession shows up as relentless thoughts about our failures, shortcomings and inadequacies. It includes thinks like martyrism and self righteousness. It may even be that little voice telling us that we do so much and aren’t appreciated. We spiral further and further down a rabbit hole that only leads to self loathing, bitterness and ineffectiveness. Where real power and joy exists is in the world around us, and in who we be to others. So get out of your head and start focusing on who you can be to someone else, just for the sake of someone else and without regard for what reward or acknowledgement you may get out of it. Get involved in a charity or fundraiser, befriend someone who’s lonely or take on some random acts of kindness. Stepping outside of your “self” will provide an incredible amount of fulfillment for you. I promise.

For a more personalized approach to powerful living, schedule a free consult with me!