“Toxic masculinity” offers a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. The term refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth. Toxic masculinity is a lie and here’s why.

If you haven’t seen the Gillette ad, you can watch it here.

This self-described film is merely an illustration of the way the term “toxic masculinity” collapses inherent maleness with abusive and toxic behavior. Towards the end of the video, we see a line of men robotically repeating the words “boys will be boys.” This comes after a barrage of video clips showing men engaged in sexual harassment, aggression and violence. What’s problematic about this is the implication that boys being boys equals sexual exploitation and physical aggression, and that as a culture, we are tolerant of this. The natural response to such a culture is, of course, fear and loathing. So what happens when we, as women, fear and loathe men? And what happens when men fear and loathe themselves?

Herein lies the impact of this concept of “toxic masculinity.”

The Gillette ad, and furthermore our society, has been perpetuating a cultural notion that masculinity is “bad” and that we live under an evil patriarchy where “bad” men get away with very “bad” behavior. Only it isn’t true. In this country, people who commit crimes like rape, sexual assault and violence are prosecuted and penalized. There are organizations, awareness advocacy and movements against bullying. Men who are sexually promiscuous or sexually exploitative toward women suffer consequences. There is nothing about our culture that actually condones or tolerates these behaviors. Nor are these behaviors descriptive of MASCULINITY.

Let’s look a little deeper. Sure there are men who behave this way. There are men who “play” women, who cheat and lie. There are men who abuse women physically and emotionally. There are men who use their “male privilege” to justify, “mansplain” and to get ahead in the corporate world. There are men who rape and assault women. And there are women who do the same. In fact, I don’t know a single man who displays more toxic masculinity that I see from radical feminists. According to feminism, we should devalue our inherent femininity as mothers and nurturers and instead berate men, abuse men, avoid marriage, collect sexual partners, bully other women and children who don’t share the same views and even falsely accuse men of rape. Basically, we should use any means necessary to get what we want, even if it exploits other human beings, because we are women. Isn’t that the exact same thing feminists describe as toxic masculinity???

So if toxic masculinity is so toxic, why are we being encouraged by feminism to engage in it as women? Will that somehow make us more powerful than men? No thanks. I’d rather embrace my God-given femininity and allow men to do the same with their masculinity.

There are men who are great fathers, who work hard at juggling career and family, who treat women with respect. There are men who are husbands, fathers, leaders, coaches, teachers, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, pastors and preachers. There are men who, when confident in their inherent gifts of true masculinity, make the world a better place. There are women who are mothers, wives, nurses, teachers, coaches, entrepreneurs, pastors and preachers making the world a better place. We do this when we bring authenticity. When we lack authenticity, we lack integrity and nothing works.

Look around. The statistics on divorce, on single motherhood, on people no longer interested in marriage or parenthood. Relationships aren’t working and it’s a massive breakdown in our society. The source of it is in-authenticity. Men don’t get to be men and women don’t get to be women. We were designed to be a perfect compliment to one another, yet none of us is fulfilling that role. Men aren’t celebrated for their natural ability to be assertive, to make decisions, to lead, to coach, to protect and provide. They are devalued as fathers, suppressed as husbands and reduced to little worth beyond generating income. Men who behave in toxic ways are not the majority, they don’t represent the norm. They’re merely lashing out in rebellion to the suppression they sense but can’t quite pinpoint. Other men succumb to the suppression, swallowing the self-loathing being branded onto them by the propagation of “toxic masculinity.” They no longer know or trust themselves to function as men. They can’t make decisions or take the initiative, they let a woman do it for them. Because they don’t want to be “bad.” Then we, as women, complain about how ineffective and unassertive they are.

And what about the women? What’s the real impact on us?

When we don’t allow men to be men, to provide and protect and lead, we lose the security God intended for us inside of His perfect gift of marriage. We are forced to show up in protection of ourselves, creating a world of excuses and defense mechanisms for why we don’t want or “need” a man. We are forced to forego motherhood, the greatest gift of all, in exchange for financial stability. We are forced to play the role of breadwinner, manager, mother, father, teacher, nurse, housekeeper and on and on and on. We are robbed of peace, security, and most importantly, LOVE. We are on our own, in it for and by ourselves. And everything we tell ourselves about girl power and independence won’t give us access to what we truly, authentically, crave. The provision, protection and love of a partner.

As long as we continue to suppress our own authentic nature, everyone loses. But there is hope, always.

Click the link to learn more about my collaboration with the Head & Heart Project and discover your path to a powerful and joyful relationship today.

Narcissist. A term I see being increasingly tossed around social media sites and blogs to describe people who are essentially self-obsessed. In a world with Google and WebMD constantly at our fingertips, it seems almost all of us are qualified to diagnose someone as a narcissist. With this ever-expanding epidemic comes a growing need to carefully consider just what makes someone a narcissist and how, or if, we should interact with one.

Spoiler Alert: This is going to be a long one, but worth your time if you find yourself in any form of relationship to a narcissist.

We have all encountered someone (or multiple someones) whom we would label a narcissist. There are a number of behaviors that clinicians, therapists and bloggers identify as narcissistic traits. Anyone who exhibits such behaviors therefore must be a narcissist, right? Let’s look at this. Get ready, because I’m about to turn the table on you.

You, dear reader, are a narcissist. That’s right. A self-obsessed, self-loving, self-loathing, my-way-or-the-highway narcissist. And that’s okay. It’s part of your humanness. Stay with me. I’ll prove it to you.

As human beings, we are all inclined to experience life as if we are the absolute frame of reference. Our reality is the only true reality. Our perspective is the only “right” perspective. And we are in this game of life, however charitable and philanthropic we may be, for ourselves. This is not to say that we don’t have periods of true apathy and sacrifice. We most certainly do. Because at the core of our humanness is only the desire to love and be loved. However, our primal instinct is to survive. In a world where there is a near-constant need to survive in the way of familial, educational, social, economic realities and beyond, we always resort back to self-interest.

Let me give you an example. Grief. As human beings, we experience the five stages of grief following a deep loss. But what exactly is grief a response to? Well, loss. Loss of what? Something that we had, that we want, that we no longer have. When we experience loss, such as a break-up, we first deny it. We can’t make sense of it, we feel confused. We refuse to accept that it’s real because we can’t cope. Then we get angry because we can’t cope. Then we beg and plead and barter because we can’t cope. Then we wallow in our sorrow because we can’t cope. Eventually we realize we are powerless and accept the loss. And we find someone else to love. Maybe not as much, maybe not the same way. But we find a new lover, best friend, mentor. We go through this process not because we genuinely love another person and want them to be happy, but because we want them to be with us, even if they aren’t happy. Because ultimately, we are all narcissistic and self-serving.

Now consider the tactics we attach to narcissists. A person we would call a narcissist experiences a loss of power. How do they react? They deny reality. They get angry. They manipulate, beg, plead out of desperation. They get depressed. All because they cannot cope. And eventually, when they come to terms with the reality that despite all of their efforts, they simply cannot change anything, they move on.

Narcissism is not a disease or disorder, in my opinion. Rather, it is an adaptation. This adaptation occurs physiologically, emotionally and behaviorally. It is a natural response that occurs in order for an individual to survive a chronic experience of loss. How extreme the adaptation depends on the extremity of the circumstances which caused it. Typically, we see extreme narcissistic tendencies in individuals who either experienced a chronic absence of love, affection and approval in childhood through either a withholding or abusive nature of the child’s primary caretaker, or the child experienced chronic suppression of his/her individuality and self-expression through excessive control, criticism and coddling. Children subjected to such environments grow up to be adults who  experience a chronic sense of powerlessness and the seemingly-appropriate (to them) response to the loss of power. This adaptation also occurs in adulthood in people exposed to chronic stress or abuse, but usually only in people with vulnerability or predisposition to extreme narcissistic attitudes. In either case, narcissists are far more sensitive to ego-injury and low self-esteem in daily life. And because of the loop of victimhood that all human beings play out, narcissists are certainly not exempt and will subconsciously and perpetually recreate situations that leave them feeling powerless in order to play out their role of the suppressed, lonely, unloved child.

Taking a deeper look at how narcissists go from normal, narcissistic human beings to diagnosably NPD, allows us to develop compassion for the tremendous amount of pain and suffering that hides beneath their adaptive behaviors. But are these people truly toxic and how should we interact with them, if at all?

There is no right or wrong answer here. Many experts and pseudo-experts will tell you that someone with extreme narcissistic tendencies is toxic and you must resort to limited or even no contact with the individual. In my opinion, this is an overly callous outlook that deems an individual, someone in an extreme amount of pain and desperate for a love they have never been able to access, merely disposable. And isn’t that our attitude toward relationships in general these days?

Consider the narcissist someone with an emotional handicap. While you may never receive the social support you would in caring for a quadriplegic or someone who is blind, narcissism is essentially a severe, post traumatic stress adaptation in which the individual lacks the actual capacity to connect with others, and not because he or she doesn’t want to. Someone with this adaptation is actually desperate for the very thing they can’t seem to grasp. Imagine a life where you did not have access to others. It’s a type of solitary confinement with no hope of release. That is the state of existence for a narcissist.

Being in relationship with any narcissist is very daunting. All relationships are, as we all function on some level as self-interested, self-obsessed narcissists. But with the extreme behaviors and tendencies of narcissism, life can be overwhelming and unstable. If you are not armed with knowledge, power and a solid self-worth, ongoing exposure to a narcissist can be crippling. How much you are willing to give, and take, is solely up to you. And the truth is, that until an individual has the willingness to acknowledge the cost of this defense mechanism in their life, change is unlikely. If the narcissist in your life indicates a willingness to seek help, know how much courage and vulnerability this takes and do your best to support them in beginning the long and arduous journey of healing. You can find some very helpful and hopeful resources below.

If you are struggling with a narcissist and would like support, contact me at info@kristinkoltick.com

For hopeful resources, click the link below.

The Landmark Forum

Schema Therapy Institute

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy Behari

My son’s father and I have remained friends. We have no legal custody or child support agreement and, for the most part, have worked together cohesively as parents. My current relationship, however, has been a source of contention for many reasons. As I came to realize the impact this might have on my son, and on his self-esteem, I became determined to do something about it, preemptively.

So, I created a possibility. I squashed the vision I’d had of the baseball game and decided it simply wasn’t acceptable. Instead, I replaced it with a new and powerful vision of a community around my son; one that encompassed all of the people who love him the most working together, being together, on his behalf. This was no small feat. As I said, my ex-husband and current partner have, for lack of a better term, bad blood. There are a number of things at the source of that, each of them insignificant to this story. What there really is to get is that these two men, who both love my child tremendously, could barely engage in two minutes of small talk. Yet, I was committed to creating this community for Micah.

How was I going to do this? The same way I do everything, by enrolling other people in the possibilities I create. I started sharing my vision with these two men. I shared about my fears for Micah, about what I wanted for him and how I thought it was possible, if we were all able to put our love for him above everything else. My partner now was more open, in large part because he’s been in the same work that I have over the past year. Micah’s dad was dismissive, but I was determined to live in my possibility. I kept sharing with him, from a place of love and commitment to our son. And, a few days into December, I got a phone call. It was my incredibly brave, loving, wonderful father, ex-husband telling me that he would like for the four of us to go downtown, to see Santa, a Christmas tradition I had since my own childhood, that I’d started with Micah since birth.

For Christmas, and for Micah’s 5th birthday, we spent a magical night together, as a family.

Merry Christmas, and always remember that anything you can dream up, you can create.