One of the hottest, and most common, issues my clients bring to me is the issue of sex.  S.E.X. For a lot of people, having a conversation about sex ends up either casually callous or considered private and personal. In my experience, both of these are just dichotomous ways of avoiding a real conversation about a real issue in relationships. Sure, some folks out there have a healthy sexuality coupled with a confident self expression of said sexuality, a genuine attunement to their partner(s) and the ability to give and enjoy climax; the way sex should be. But if we relinquish our egos for just a moment, we see that most human beings experience some degree of suppression or dysfunctional expression, some  dysfunction, when it comes to sex. I get it. You really want to believe that this does not apply to you. It may not. But it probably does.

Sex as Validation.

In a world where true connection is sparse, human beings still innately yearn to be connected to one another, to feel wanted, valued, desired. This longing isn’t at all sexual in nature, but it gets translated into any form necessary to get that fix we need. We post pictures and brag subtly about our lives to make ourselves seem desirable and important, to fish for compliments that validate our existence. Sex, for many, has become another source of validation for our egos. Sure, sex is also pleasurable. But sex is most pleasurable when we’re connected to a person, when we know their desires, what they enjoy and deeper than that, who they are and how their essence exudes in a sexual experience. Instead, we use sex as a way to feel validated. If someone is willing to have sex with us, that means we are wanted, attractive, better than, desirable. Most often, when I work with clients who have a revolving door of sexual partners, we discover that there is an underlying fear or inability to authentically connect with others, spawning from an insecurity that leaves them needed an external source of validation. Sexuality becomes the means to that end.

Sexual Suppression.

Fear, and all of it’s mechanisms, run the show for most of our lives, however blissfully unaware of this we may be. And sex is no different. When we are so concerned with looking good and being good enough in every aspect of life, our neurology generates an algorithm for survival that shows up in the bedroom no differently. I’ve had people share things with me from preferring the lights off to keeping a shirt on to avoiding certain positions during sex to avoid looking less-than-sexy doing the deed. I also encounter a lot of women who are timid or fearful about expressing what they want or like physically from their partner(s).Other forms of insecurity and fear are more subtle, like the conversation in your head about your performance, about getting her off, about lasting long enough and for the women, faking orgasms to spare his ego or to put an end to an experience that isn’t pleasurable. I’ve got some bad news for you. If you’re doing any of these things, or any variation of these things, you are suppressed in your sexuality and not fully present during sex.

Sexual Aggression.

People generally respond to suppression in two ways. The first is with passivity which, when it comes to sex, looks like the examples above. Essentially, the passive response to suppression is to accept it and “people please.” The alternate response to suppression is aggression. With sex, that typically gets expressed with a one-sided, dominant experience. That’s not to say that this type of sex can’t be pleasurable for both partners. Just that what’s underlying may be an unhealthy expression, particularly when the dominant partner isn’t really concerned or connected with the experience of the other, and is primarily focused on their own expression and desires.

Porn: Fueling the suppression/aggression dynamic

I won’t make a case for pornography being inherently bad. It may or may not be, but that isn’t my angle here. What porn absolutely is,  however, is detrimental to true sexual connection between partners. The problem with porn is that it becomes, for many, a guideline or expectation for what sex could, or should, be like. And that’s not at all based in reality. It’s quite the opposite. Porn is acting, it’s fantasy. When we fail to recognize that, it becomes problematic and reinforces both sexual suppression and aggression. If we can’t be fully and completely present and self expressed in the experience of sex because of expectation, ultimately both partners are missing out on what the experience could be like.

For men, primarily, frequenting porn or using porn as a how-to causes a tremendous disconnect when it comes to sex. An unrealistic expectation develops of how women think, act and feel about foreplay and intercourse. That expectation keeps you from being present to the cues and communication of your partner. For both men and women, the expectation to perform and be like the actors gets internalized and one’s true sexual desires and pleasures get suppressed beneath the expectation. Insecurity around meeting the expectation replaces authentic self expression of sexuality. As I mentioned before, sometimes the response to this suppression becomes aggression, which is only reinforced by the aggressive nature of quite a bit of pornography, leaving the “aggressor” none the wiser to his own sexual dysfunction and to the dysfunction being put on his partner.

Sex in Relationships

Because sex is an emotional experience for women, sex that lacks connection will often leave a woman feeling disinterested, particularly in relationships where this becomes the norm. Combine that with the insecurity/expectation dynamic and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. If a woman is consistently not getting what she wants from sex, that suppression will lead to either acceptance in the way of avoiding or refusing sex or faking orgasms to end the experience as quickly as possible. Or, alternatively, she will react with aggression, by way of proactively seeking out a source of emotional connection, be it an affair or some other way of disconnecting from the relationship and developing connection elsewhere. In essence, if you are not allowing yourself to be fully present and connected to your partner during sex, the sexual experiences and the relationship will be impacted.

For men, sex is more primal and egoistic in nature than it is for women. Vulnerability and communication is also more challenging for men. When men want something from sex, they are more likely to use the aggression approach initially and to simply take it. However, in relationships this tends to dwindle as their suppressed partner becomes disengaged. When ego is at play and facing failure or weakness, validation often takes precedence over communication, which can also lead to some form of infidelity or outward validation seeking.

When the sexual relationship starts to break down, all of the insecurities and expectations start to reinforce and perpetuate the dysfunction. Having a healthy and satisfying sex life takes an openness and willingness to communicate verbally, to be present to pleasure cues, to letting go of expectations and insecurities and to surrendering yourself to a free flowing and organic experience.

I get it. It’s a harsh world out there for singles. Things have gotten seemingly impossible on the dating front. Feminism has swept in, suppressing men in all sorts of ways. A lot of guys have responded to that with extremes. On one hand, you’ve got the guys desperate for a meaningful connection with no idea how to find it. On the other, you’ve got the fuckboys, terrified of meaningful connections and desperate for validation and attention. Social media has become a cesspool of both; the perfect outlet for hounding women by the masses, playing a numbers game in hopes of finding someone to take the bait.

It must be exhausting, guys!! Think of all the time spent inboxing all those ladies…you’d probably be halfway done with an MBA or traveled halfway across the world with that time. Maybe met a nice chick in your corporate finance class or connected with a beautiful Italian goddess on some nude beach. Instead, you sit on your couch scrolling and scrolling, messaging and messaging, hoping to find what you’re looking for https://prasethpheapfinance.com/ finance legend.

To the guys out there still swimming around in your own unresolved issues, looking for women desperate enough to fuel your constant need for attention but too insecure to ever give someone your heart, this isn’t for you. Should the time come that you find the courage to connect with your authentic self and true desire for love, reach out to me for a free consult.

For the rest of you guys, the ones really searching for that special someone to share your life with, this is for you. After hundreds of conversations with single women, I’ve created a how-to (or how-not-to) on connecting with women.

When sliding into a girl’s DM, proceed with caution. This strategy is so overused that Facebook has now created their own dating software. Women get messages like this everyday. Its unoriginal, tired and a little creepy at times. If you’re going to resort to this tactic, do it with some tact.

• Do NOT begin the conversation with “Hey gorgeous”, “Hey [insert pet name]” or any other variation of this.
• DO introduce yourself as if you were meeting her face to face.

• Do NOT compliment her on her looks. It makes you seem superficial, egotistical and, again, creepy.
• DO offer a genuine compliment that shows you’ve taken an authentic interest in her life.

• Do NOT send unsolicited photos of yourself. Not selfies, not your kids, not your car, and definitely not your junk.
• Do NOT ask her to send photos of herself to you. If you’re already creeping her social media, you’ve seen as much as you deserve as a stranger.

• Do NOT talk about sex. Or anything sexual. Don’t ask her what her favorite position is, don’t tell her you’re a freak, don’t ask her to sit on your face. Just stop.
• DO ask her what she enjoys, about her hobbies, favorite foods….clues on where to take her should you keep it cool long enough to get her to agree to meeting you. Keep the conversation light, avoid any serious topics like politics, religion, past relationships, childhood trauma, etc.

If at any point, you don’t get a response or the chick lets you know she’s not interested, move along gracefully. There’s no need to throw a temper tantrum, start insulting her or any other display of your butt-hurtness. You are not entitled to anyone’s time. She doesn’t owe you anything. Remember, you’ve been playing a numbers game all along and you know it. Next!

If, however, things are going well and she seems interested in getting to know you, there are some other things to be mindful of.

Wait, rewind. Let’s back up for just a quick sec. How do you know she’s interested in getting to know you??? If she’s engaging in the conversation, meaning thoughtful responses and reciprocal questions. If you’re getting one word answers, it’s a dead end.

Okay, back to it. Conversation is flowing between you and this lovely lady. What next? Allow me to throw you a curve ball. Ask if it’s okay to call her. WHOA, now. Remember the good old days when you had to call a girl on the phone? Well, maybe not. But it was a thing and here’s why. It’s really impossible to form an organic connection, sense real chemistry and build healthy sexual tension over a screen. Texting and messaging just doesn’t allow for all of those warm fuzzy feelings you get from looking into a person’s eyes or hearing their voice. So cut the immature, lazy crap and step up your game. Ask her if you can call her to get to know her better. If she says yes, congrats!! If she says no, refer to three paragraphs up.

So now, if you’ve made it far enough to get her phone number, kudos. You’re killing it and learning some valuable stuff along the way. Now you actually have to call her. I know, I know, it’s way scarier than sitting behind the safety of your phone screen typing. Now you’ve gotta put your communication skills to the test. Here are some tips.

• Ask questions and engage in active listening. Take in what she’s saying. It’ll help you get to know and understand her and what she’s looking for, ie. so you can provide it. (Remember that crazy time before feminism when men were considered the providers?? That doesn’t just mean money, bros. It means security, happiness, etc.)
• Don’t whine and complain about your job, finances, ex girlfriend, dog with explosive diarrhea, or anything else. Being able to bitch about life is one of the perks of a relationship, but you’re not there yet. She’s sizing you up for your character, your ability to be strong, adaptable, proactive, lead and handle shit.
• Don’t talk about yourself constantly to impress her. Instead, be vulnerable and share something personal. Authenticity breeds authenticity. Nothing makes a girl feel more safe than a guy willing to let down his guard and be real with her.
• Take the initiative and show effort. Do what you say you’ll do, don’t leave her hanging and when she agrees to go out with you, take the time to plan something that acknowledges her interests (you should have been paying attention to this!!) Hint: Don’t take her to Applebees. If she’s a vegan, find a cool vegan spot. If she says she’s always wanted to go to Paris, find a Parisian restaurant. If she’s competitive and loves sports, take her ax throwing. Make her feel special, like she isn’t just a number in the game.

Finally, if you feel like you’ve found someone special, go all in. Give up the game altogether. Stop messaging other women. Brag about her to your friends and family. Treat her right and marry her before some other poor guy behind a screen slides into her DM. ; )

“Toxic masculinity” offers a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. The term refers to the socially-constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth. Toxic masculinity is a lie and here’s why.

If you haven’t seen the Gillette ad, you can watch it here.

This self-described film is merely an illustration of the way the term “toxic masculinity” collapses inherent maleness with abusive and toxic behavior. Towards the end of the video, we see a line of men robotically repeating the words “boys will be boys.” This comes after a barrage of video clips showing men engaged in sexual harassment, aggression and violence. What’s problematic about this is the implication that boys being boys equals sexual exploitation and physical aggression, and that as a culture, we are tolerant of this. The natural response to such a culture is, of course, fear and loathing. So what happens when we, as women, fear and loathe men? And what happens when men fear and loathe themselves?

Herein lies the impact of this concept of “toxic masculinity.”

The Gillette ad, and furthermore our society, has been perpetuating a cultural notion that masculinity is “bad” and that we live under an evil patriarchy where “bad” men get away with very “bad” behavior. Only it isn’t true. In this country, people who commit crimes like rape, sexual assault and violence are prosecuted and penalized. There are organizations, awareness advocacy and movements against bullying. Men who are sexually promiscuous or sexually exploitative toward women suffer consequences. There is nothing about our culture that actually condones or tolerates these behaviors. Nor are these behaviors descriptive of MASCULINITY.

Let’s look a little deeper. Sure there are men who behave this way. There are men who “play” women, who cheat and lie. There are men who abuse women physically and emotionally. There are men who use their “male privilege” to justify, “mansplain” and to get ahead in the corporate world. There are men who rape and assault women. And there are women who do the same. In fact, I don’t know a single man who displays more toxic masculinity that I see from radical feminists. According to feminism, we should devalue our inherent femininity as mothers and nurturers and instead berate men, abuse men, avoid marriage, collect sexual partners, bully other women and children who don’t share the same views and even falsely accuse men of rape. Basically, we should use any means necessary to get what we want, even if it exploits other human beings, because we are women. Isn’t that the exact same thing feminists describe as toxic masculinity???

So if toxic masculinity is so toxic, why are we being encouraged by feminism to engage in it as women? Will that somehow make us more powerful than men? No thanks. I’d rather embrace my God-given femininity and allow men to do the same with their masculinity.

There are men who are great fathers, who work hard at juggling career and family, who treat women with respect. There are men who are husbands, fathers, leaders, coaches, teachers, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, pastors and preachers. There are men who, when confident in their inherent gifts of true masculinity, make the world a better place. There are women who are mothers, wives, nurses, teachers, coaches, entrepreneurs, pastors and preachers making the world a better place. We do this when we bring authenticity. When we lack authenticity, we lack integrity and nothing works.

Look around. The statistics on divorce, on single motherhood, on people no longer interested in marriage or parenthood. Relationships aren’t working and it’s a massive breakdown in our society. The source of it is in-authenticity. Men don’t get to be men and women don’t get to be women. We were designed to be a perfect compliment to one another, yet none of us is fulfilling that role. Men aren’t celebrated for their natural ability to be assertive, to make decisions, to lead, to coach, to protect and provide. They are devalued as fathers, suppressed as husbands and reduced to little worth beyond generating income. Men who behave in toxic ways are not the majority, they don’t represent the norm. They’re merely lashing out in rebellion to the suppression they sense but can’t quite pinpoint. Other men succumb to the suppression, swallowing the self-loathing being branded onto them by the propagation of “toxic masculinity.” They no longer know or trust themselves to function as men. They can’t make decisions or take the initiative, they let a woman do it for them. Because they don’t want to be “bad.” Then we, as women, complain about how ineffective and unassertive they are.

And what about the women? What’s the real impact on us?

When we don’t allow men to be men, to provide and protect and lead, we lose the security God intended for us inside of His perfect gift of marriage. We are forced to show up in protection of ourselves, creating a world of excuses and defense mechanisms for why we don’t want or “need” a man. We are forced to forego motherhood, the greatest gift of all, in exchange for financial stability. We are forced to play the role of breadwinner, manager, mother, father, teacher, nurse, housekeeper and on and on and on. We are robbed of peace, security, and most importantly, LOVE. We are on our own, in it for and by ourselves. And everything we tell ourselves about girl power and independence won’t give us access to what we truly, authentically, crave. The provision, protection and love of a partner.

As long as we continue to suppress our own authentic nature, everyone loses. But there is hope, always.

Click the link to learn more about my collaboration with the Head & Heart Project and discover your path to a powerful and joyful relationship today.

I see you. I hear you. I feel your pain. I know your desperation. To be heard, to be valued, to be empowered for, by, through and of your womanhood.

But here’s the thing…the thing we are missing as females….

Behaving like men, bashing men, devaluing men or pushing men away doesn’t actually get us heard or valued or empowered. What it does get us is angry, bitter, cynical, resigned, fearful and lonely. And powerless.

I’m an activist. I get activism. And sometimes activism takes force. But activism only works when we remain authentic to ourselves and our cause. Modern feminism has done neither. It hasn’t only devalued masculinity, which most certainly has benefits to families, children, relationships and society – it has also devalued our inherent femininity, which is an inherently beautiful and powerful thing.

Our femininity is emotional, nurturing, gentle, graceful, patient and generous. It’s what allows us to be good mothers, wives, friends and caretakers. It’s what gives us strength and resilience. Femininity has been the foundation, the groundedness, throughout countless dark and uncertain times of history. Our femininity is a gift, and one that is unique to us women. It is the source of our true power.

Feminism has all but abandoned femininity. We have become loud, crude and aggressive in our activism and in our homes. We have become bossy, demanding, emotionally unavailable, sexually promiscuous and fiercely independent. We have adopted the very thing we claim to oppose, “toxic masculinity.” And therein lies the breakdown of the feminist movement. We’ve lost our authenticity, as women. And in doing so, we have surrendered our power.

Everywhere I look, I see single feminists pretending to be happy. We proclaim our liberation from men with hashtags like #single4life. We declare our loathing for men over cocktails with our single friends. Yet, beneath the false apathy lies a sincere longing for a happy and healthy connection to a good and honorable man. We lie to ourselves. Maybe because we’ve been conditioned to be so fearful of men that we can’t acknowledge wanting one. Maybe because we don’t want to betray our fellow feminists by selling out. Maybe because we don’t want to be accountable for the reality that we are the ones parading around with toxic masculinity and devaluing other human beings.

Whatever the case, we can’t reasonably expect to simultaneously hate men and be loved by them.

We can’t reasonably expect to create change with hypocrisy and inauthenticity.

We can’t reasonably expect to be powerful when we abandon the source of our power.

What we CAN do is embrace who are. We can use our true, innate power to create anything we want for ourselves. We can be honest with ourselves and with others about what it is that we want. We can be courageous enough to put ourselves out there, to try again at love even though we may have been hurt by a man who didn’t know how to be a man. We can still rise up and BE WOMEN.

It’s okay to admit that you can’t or don’t want to do it all alone.

It’s okay to admit that deep down, you want a man to love and be loved by.

It’s okay to admit that men aren’t BAD.

It’s even okay to use your feminine superpowers to support, encourage, nurture and love a man who wants to love you back, even if he isn’t perfect, which he won’t be.

It’s perfectly okay to be feminine. In fact, it’s better than okay. It’s authentic. It’s organic. It’s strong, courageous, kind, capable, bold, beautiful and POWERFUL. It’s who you are, when you wipe away the fear.

So girl, be your best you. Live your best life. Be empowered. Fly high. Chase your dreams. Make a difference. Use your superpowers. But remember, those powers aren’t found in screaming, emasculating, bashing or even in a vagina hat. They’re not found in your feminism, but in your femininity.

With love, hope & faith in you and the sisterhood of the world,

Kristin

• Leave the past where it belongs, behind you. We have a tendency to hang on to stuff we don’t really need. Experiences and emotional pain are certainly no exception. The truth is that we have no reason to hang onto the things that have hurt us before. If it isn’t happening right now, then it has no real power over us. Forgive. Accept. Close the door. Declare that the past has no place in your present.
• Unclutter your space. Just as we tend to hang onto past experiences, we also love to junk up our lives with things we don’t need and that don’t serve us. Get rid of anything that isn’t bringing you peace or joy, or that distracts you from your passion and purpose in life. Donate your extra clothes to a shelter. Sell your gaming system and put the cash in your savings account. Clean off your desk at work. Having a clear space allows for better focus and more inner peace.
• Heal yourself. Most of us are guilty of neglecting ourselves in the form of our mental and physical health. If you’re not 100%, it’s difficult to be effective in any area of your life. Commit to caring for your body and mind. Eat healthy foods, drink water, move your body, meditate, get enough sleep. Do all of the things your body wants you to do, for you.
• Guard your energy. Toxic people are everywhere and misery loves company. Avoid getting caught up in drama, gossip or negative conversations. Instead, take control of your surroundings and gear the conversation towards positive, uplifting and empowering dialogue. It’s amazing how much power you have to influence how other people think and experience the world.
• Serve others. We are a self-obsessed society, and in almost all situations, we solely consider what WE are getting out of it. Take a different perspective and get present to what you can give to others in every waking moment. Help out a coworker, carry someone’s groceries, volunteer for a non-profit or shovel someone’s driveway. When you seek to help others without personal gain, you end up getting more than you give in the form of joy, fulfillment and connection.
• Be a team player. Remember self-obsession? We really need to work on this one. Whether you’re part of a company, a family, a sports team or just a part of society, being a team player is a critical skill if you want to live powerfully. No man is an island. Take time to listen and consider other people’s feelings and perspectives. Don’t interrupt. Don’t shut down ideas. Don’t criticize. Create a space for healthy, open communication and collaboration. When we work together, anything is possible.
• Stop complaining. Have you heard of the Law of Attraction? Well, it works, for better or worse. If you speak negativity, you will attract negativity. It’s that simple. Ever feel like you just keep getting slammed by life? It’s probably because you’re complaining, and you’re giving off a magnetic vibe that’s pulling more bad juju your way. So rather than complaining about what’s going wrong, take charge of your life. Control the controllable and think positive thoughts only.
• Affirm yourself and others daily. The power of positivity is remarkable. Start each day with positive affirmations to yourself about who you are, what you’re going to accomplish and what your life is going to be about. And don’t stop there. You really do have the power to impact the people around you and create a circle of positivity. We all love to be acknowledged for who we are.  A genuine compliment goes a long way in making someone feel empowered and confident. So let the good vibes flow.
• Trust more, not less. Us humans spend so much time being fearful. We’re afraid of taking risks in our relationships, in our careers and in our passions. And, because we give that fear power over us, we actually stop ourselves from doing what we really want to do in our lives. This year, punch fear in the face. Do what you’re afraid of. Trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust the process, and trust others. The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t work out. But you’re tough. You’ll survive. I promise.
• Get back up. In the face of failure, remember that there is no failure. We fall down. Things don’t go as planned. So what? That’s part of the journey. It’s lessons learned and experience gained. As long as you get back up and keep moving forward, you’ll get there.
• Live your purpose. You know that seed in your heart that’s been there for as long as you can remember? That thing that makes your heart happy and sets your soul on fire? That thing is your purpose. It exists within you because you are meant to do it. So go do it. Without fear. Without hesitation. Without excuses.
• Practice gratitude. The simple act of counting your blessings daily energizes you more than you can imagine. Far too often, the amazing things in our life go unnoticed. We are distracted, overwhelmed and exhausted. Take a few minutes each morning to look at all you’ve been gifted.
• Smile often. Smiling actually burns calories, helps you look younger, improves your mood and creates a space where others feel safe and happy as well. Smiles are contagious and powerful, and universal. A smile can change the world, truly. So smile as often as possible.
• Be Happy. Happiness isn’t in in the past or the future. It isn’t found in success or wealth. Happiness is yours for the taking, right now and in this moment. Choose to be happy, regardless of your circumstance. Because, chances are, at this very moment, everything is just fine. And even if it’s not, the next moment is just around the corner.

There is a lot “wrong” with the way we date today. Technology has replaced organic connection. The way we interact with one another has grown more detached and callous because we’ve disconnected from the natural, emotional reciprocity that occurs when human beings share the same physical space. We’ve become more superficial and inauthentic. In a world where you can be discarded by a mere swipe of a finger, we must appear as something that we assume others want, regardless of what we actually are. The instant gratification of sexual promiscuity validates us much easier than investing in the long-term satisfaction of a meaningful connection. And the friends. Coworkers. Family members. Everyone telling us that we deserve better, that this one or that one isn’t good enough and should be eliminated. He doesn’t have a good job and she is too needy. Something is wrong with everyone. There is a valid reason to dismiss everyone. 

Why is all of this happening? Because we live in a feel-good, it’s all about me world.

But the real breakdown is the stalemate of singlehood. The way we respond to a world where everyone is in the game for themselves, the way we adapt and survive, is to become the same.

You might see yourself as generous, kind, patient and a lot of other qualities you believe make you a good potential partner to someone. But if you’re single and struggling, I promise you that you aren’t as in tune with yourself as you think. You may BE all of those things at the core. However, it’s how you’re showing up to others that counts. When you’re busy playing the game, you aren’t free to be who you really are. And this is what most of us are doing. Playing the game. In order to get ahead. In order to win. At love.

Here’s what the game looks like. We desperately want love. To love someone and be loved back. Yet, we are terrified of being hurt, of not measuring up, of being alone, of all of it. So our subconscious mind finds ways to protect us from the very thing we want, because it’s scary. Most of us today do this by creating very rigid expectations of how another should interact with us in order to prove that they want us, that they are good enough for us to take that risk. Any action that falls short of this expectation deems them unworthy, too much of a risk. So we discard them and move on. It goes like this “Well he didn’t text me back right away” or “She cancelled because she was sick” or “He told me he couldn’t hang out because he was busy with his friends” or “She got mad because I was late meeting her.” We call it a red flag and move onto the next. We fail to consider the humanness in anyone else. Their circumstances and their fears. We even go so far as to label positive behaviors as red flags. “He wants to hang out like every day” or “She wants me to meet her friends, it’s too soon, she must be a clinger.” It’s absurd when you really think about it. We are all so afraid of each other that we play this perpetual game of one-up over who can care less, who can be less attached. And we expect to find love in the midst of that.

But love isn’t a game. And you can’t succeed at it by treating it as such. It’s impossible. To be “in love” is to truly share yourself with another and allow that person to share themselves with you. Love is only possible with time, courage, authenticity and acceptance. It takes time and effort to get to know someone, to develop a meaningful relationship, to build a foundation that will be strong enough to last through all of the trials and tribulations of life. It takes courage to risk the disappointment and pain you may feel if a relationship doesn’t work out. It takes being vulnerable and generous with your spirit, allowing someone to see your true self for them to ever be able to really love you. It takes accepting that people are imperfect and will hurt you. Not intentionally, but they will. And the closer you get to someone, the more their shortcomings impact you. But that’s love. It’s scary. It’s a gamble. It’s easier to play it safe and find reasons not to give people a chance. But that won’t lead you to love.

Throw up the white flag. Surrender. Let love in. <3

For a more personalized path to finding love, schedule a free consult with me.

My son’s father and I have remained friends. We have no legal custody or child support agreement and, for the most part, have worked together cohesively as parents. My current relationship, however, has been a source of contention for many reasons. As I came to realize the impact this might have on my son, and on his self-esteem, I became determined to do something about it, preemptively.

So, I created a possibility. I squashed the vision I’d had of the baseball game and decided it simply wasn’t acceptable. Instead, I replaced it with a new and powerful vision of a community around my son; one that encompassed all of the people who love him the most working together, being together, on his behalf. This was no small feat. As I said, my ex-husband and current partner have, for lack of a better term, bad blood. There are a number of things at the source of that, each of them insignificant to this story. What there really is to get is that these two men, who both love my child tremendously, could barely engage in two minutes of small talk. Yet, I was committed to creating this community for Micah.

How was I going to do this? The same way I do everything, by enrolling other people in the possibilities I create. I started sharing my vision with these two men. I shared about my fears for Micah, about what I wanted for him and how I thought it was possible, if we were all able to put our love for him above everything else. My partner now was more open, in large part because he’s been in the same work that I have over the past year. Micah’s dad was dismissive, but I was determined to live in my possibility. I kept sharing with him, from a place of love and commitment to our son. And, a few days into December, I got a phone call. It was my incredibly brave, loving, wonderful father, ex-husband telling me that he would like for the four of us to go downtown, to see Santa, a Christmas tradition I had since my own childhood, that I’d started with Micah since birth.

For Christmas, and for Micah’s 5th birthday, we spent a magical night together, as a family.

Merry Christmas, and always remember that anything you can dream up, you can create. 

1. Let go of expectations. We all cling to certain standards of how we want people to think about us and act toward us. We want to feel valued and cared for. The problem with that is that there’s no universality in what that looks like from one person to another. We cannot reasonably expect another person to be exactly what we want them to be. Imposing our expectations onto others is not only unfair, it’s disempowering to both people involved. It sets us up for perpetual disappointment and frustration, and creates a constant scenario in which we view the other person as falling short or being wrong. Having a healthy relationship demands that we accept and embrace people for who they are, without resignation or resentment.

2. Communicate with purpose. Everyone wants to be heard, to be validated and, most of the time, to be right. Often times, communication becomes accusatory and counterproductive. The key to healthy communication is to have intentionality; that is an intention for the conversation. And here’s a hint….the intention should be to resolve the issue at hand, not to drag it out and make someone feel bad. When you express your concerns to someone, be mindful of how your words, tone and body language may be received by them. Be kind, patient and clear about what you need from the conversation. Take time to hear their perspective rather than interrupting or simply waiting for your turn to speak again. Remember, the goal is to complete the conflict and not to make things worse.

3. Be willing to let go of being right. Being right, as I stated above, is important to all of us. It’s justification for our not-so-elegant behavior, for our negative feelings and for our opportunity to hold a grudge. Taking a stance to be right, however, holds no real power. If we are right, inherently we are making someone else wrong, and that creates a space for all sorts of negativity in the relationship. Whenever conflict arises, it’s best to take the approach that no one is right or wrong, and that there is simply something that needs to be worked through. After all, any relationship between two people is a partnership, with common goals. Work together, not against each other.

4. Be willing to walk away. This is a tough one, particularly for us ladies. Walking away means giving in, surrendering, being weak, letting someone else win. Only it doesn’t mean any of things, not actually. There are times, in the midst of conflict, where you reach a stalemate. Whether you’re both tired, frustrated with the conversation or preoccupied with outside stresses, there is a point when you need to get that nothing productive is going to come from continuing the conversation at that moment in time. If it’s an important issue, you can come back to it when emotions have settled and you’ve both cleared your heads. If it’s something small and meaningless, it’s better to just let it go altogether. But walking away can be a healthy, empowering thing for a relationship when the communication truly has gotten beyond any effectiveness. Just do it with kindness, intention and clarity. Tip for the guys, this is not an excuse to get out of conversations on a regular basis!

5. Accept apologies, even when they aren’t verbal. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re frustrated. You feel betrayed, disappointed, overwhelmed. I get it. We all have those moments, and we have a tendency to want to linger in them. Remember, we get to justify our unsavory thoughts and actions when we remain in a place of victimhood. And the price we pay for that is happiness, empowerment and freedom. Let. It. Go. If someone apologizes for their fault, accept it and move on. No ifs, ands or buts. If someone doesn’t offer you a verbal apology, let it go anyway. Some people have a hard time with saying they’re sorry. But they will express their remorse in other ways, if you pay attention. Things like compliments, small favors, extra attention or an unusually happy disposition can be indicative of guilt. So accept their attempt at rectification and let them off the hook. It’s simple, everyone wins.

For a more personal approach to your relationship struggles at home, work and beyond, schedule a free consult with me!

Living a life without passion or purpose isn’t really living at all, is it? But how do we overcome that boredom that creeps not into our lives, but into our hearts? Simple. By keeping things fresh. By keeping ourselves busy. But not busy for the sake of being busy. We need to fill our time and space with things that renew our sense of joy, adventure and accomplishment.

Like anything else in this modern age, there are limitless options. But here’s a good starting point.

In Seeking Solitude

• Read a book. Spirituality, Personal Development, Romance, or even Horror. Find a quiet spot, get comfortable and get lost in the pages of a good book.
• Do some yoga. Even ten minutes of yoga can do wonders for the body, mind and spirit. Work up a sweat, get balanced and clear your mind of all your responsibilities.
• Organize. So much of our lives can feel out of control. Taking time to organize an aspect of your life can be both freeing and empowering. Spice rack? DVD collection? Dresser drawers? Taking on an organizational project will make you feel accomplished and less stressed.

In Seeking Knowledge

• Learn a foreign language. Always wanted to visit Paris? Start learning French. It will give you a new skill set and bring new life to your dream of traveling.
• Take a class. Anything from pottery making to the philosophy of time, enrolling in an education course can expand your knowledge base and give you an opportunity to meet some new people.
• Connect with a stranger. Strike up a conversation or arrange an interview with someone who’s life experience is likely to differ from your own. This is a great way to learn about other cultures, time periods and perspectives.

In Seeking Adventure

• Choose an activity that challenges or scares you. Skydiving and white water rafting are extremes, but even a short hike or taking a motorcycle driving class can be hugely fulfilling and empowering. Looking for something more regular/ How about taking a martial arts class to keep your blood flowing and build self-disicpline?!
• Plan a trip to someplace you’ve never been. If you’re on a tight budget, find an inexpensive room on Airbnb.
• Build something without building plans. An herb garden, a homemade wine rack or some shelves to display that collection of antique spoons you’ve had shoved in a drawer for years. Using blueprints is okay, if it makes you anxious to go it on your own. But getting creative, trusting your own judgment and making something that is uniquely representative to you can be fun and rewarding.

In Seeking Friendship

• Join a team or league. It’s easy to find ourselves overly committed to family and coworkers, but friendships are an important part of our social nature. Signing up for a local softball team or bowling league can provide a regular break from the responsibilities of our home and work lives and allow us to relax and enjoy some time with others.
• Volunteer. There are so many organizations doing amazing work for the community. But virtually all of them are under-resourced. Volunteering your time in a food bank, soup kitchen or children’s camp can help you build new relationships with people and gain a sense of purpose over your life.
• Find a pen pal. Seems unheard of, right? Actually, there are quite a few legitimate pen pal websites that help you connect with people all over the world. Make a new friend in a safe and supportive space and who knows, you may find your new BFF.

In Seeking Romance

• Plan a picnic. Pack some sandwiches, some wine (don’t forget the corkscrew!) and a blanket. Find a quiet spot. Enjoy! Day or night, picnics are a great, and inexpensive, way to treat your partner to a special evening.
• Dancing. Anything from live jazz to a dance club with a deejay, dancing is a great way to have fun, relieve stress and build sexual tension with that special someone.
• Share an adventure. Instead of flying solo, do something audacious with your lover. A kayak or canoe trip will allow for relaxed conversation while, at the same time, encourage teamwork. Or head to an amusement park and challenge yourselves to conquer the scariest ride there. It will help you build trust and create a sense of what you can accomplish together.
• Take a tour. Perhaps a carriage ride around town or a trip to a museum? A walking house tour or haunted history tour of a local neighborhood? Exploring together is a great opportunity to learn and grow as both individuals and a pair.

In Seeking Family

Connecting with our kids can be a challenge. Distinct interests and personalities, coupled with the daily demands of households, careers and activities, can make free time seem fleeting, and fun time all but absent. But children are actually simple creatures who thrive on only a sense of love and wonder. And it turns out, it’s not all that difficult to provide them with that.

• Go on a walkabout. I’m not talking about your everyday, ordinary walk around the neighborhood. A walkabout is a walk with purpose, and with the intention of escaping the mundane and immersing oneself in adventure. I take my son on walkabouts every week and each time we create a mission. We make lists of what we hope to find; things like feathers, caterpillars and berries. We commit to saying hello to any passers by. We pause to look at the sky, identify cloud types and make up stories about the cloud formations. These walks are such an amazing way to be present with him in the moment, feed his sense of wonder and give him knowledge about nature, kindness and spirituality. Such a simple activity can provide endless benefits.
• Baking. Kids of all ages love to make messes. And they love to create. Baking cutout cookies is a favorite in our house, any time of year. Cracking eggs, playing with the dough, making shapes and decorating with sprinkles and icing is an experience that gives kids a chance to get messy and learn while they develop confidence and pride in themselves. And the best reward? Cookies!
• Take a trip to a local farm. Apple picking, horseback riding and corn mazes are just a few of the fun activities children can find at local farms. This is another great way for the little ones to learn, laugh and burn off some energy!
• Build a fort. I bought my son a professional fort-making kit for his birthday a few years back. He loves it, but for me, it’s a bit too modern. Some of the best forts we’ve made are spontaneous, handmade and encompass the entire living room. Sheets, pillows, chairs, brooms, whatever we can find. Making a fort inside is the perfect way to spend a rainy day, or build one outside when the weather is nice.
• Camp out. I can recall, as a kid, camping out in my backyard. Making s’mores, telling ghost stories and falling asleep in a tent pitched outside the safety of my parents’ house and amidst a comfortable, family neighborhood. Now, my house backs up to woods and I feel a bit uneasy about letting my son camp outside on his own. So sometimes we camp out in the yard together. For older kids, setting up a tent in the yard is a great way to give them a sense of adventure and independence. In colder weather, or for younger children, set up a tent in the living room and have a pretend camp out, complete with s’mores!

The possibilities for creating purpose and adventure in your life truly are endless. Have an idea that’s not on this list? Leave a comment below!