One of the hottest, and most common, issues my clients bring to me is the issue of sex.  S.E.X. For a lot of people, having a conversation about sex ends up either casually callous or considered private and personal. In my experience, both of these are just dichotomous ways of avoiding a real conversation about a real issue in relationships. Sure, some folks out there have a healthy sexuality coupled with a confident self expression of said sexuality, a genuine attunement to their partner(s) and the ability to give and enjoy climax; the way sex should be. But if we relinquish our egos for just a moment, we see that most human beings experience some degree of suppression or dysfunctional expression, some  dysfunction, when it comes to sex. I get it. You really want to believe that this does not apply to you. It may not. But it probably does.

Sex as Validation.

In a world where true connection is sparse, human beings still innately yearn to be connected to one another, to feel wanted, valued, desired. This longing isn’t at all sexual in nature, but it gets translated into any form necessary to get that fix we need. We post pictures and brag subtly about our lives to make ourselves seem desirable and important, to fish for compliments that validate our existence. Sex, for many, has become another source of validation for our egos. Sure, sex is also pleasurable. But sex is most pleasurable when we’re connected to a person, when we know their desires, what they enjoy and deeper than that, who they are and how their essence exudes in a sexual experience. Instead, we use sex as a way to feel validated. If someone is willing to have sex with us, that means we are wanted, attractive, better than, desirable. Most often, when I work with clients who have a revolving door of sexual partners, we discover that there is an underlying fear or inability to authentically connect with others, spawning from an insecurity that leaves them needed an external source of validation. Sexuality becomes the means to that end.

Sexual Suppression.

Fear, and all of it’s mechanisms, run the show for most of our lives, however blissfully unaware of this we may be. And sex is no different. When we are so concerned with looking good and being good enough in every aspect of life, our neurology generates an algorithm for survival that shows up in the bedroom no differently. I’ve had people share things with me from preferring the lights off to keeping a shirt on to avoiding certain positions during sex to avoid looking less-than-sexy doing the deed. I also encounter a lot of women who are timid or fearful about expressing what they want or like physically from their partner(s).Other forms of insecurity and fear are more subtle, like the conversation in your head about your performance, about getting her off, about lasting long enough and for the women, faking orgasms to spare his ego or to put an end to an experience that isn’t pleasurable. I’ve got some bad news for you. If you’re doing any of these things, or any variation of these things, you are suppressed in your sexuality and not fully present during sex.

Sexual Aggression.

People generally respond to suppression in two ways. The first is with passivity which, when it comes to sex, looks like the examples above. Essentially, the passive response to suppression is to accept it and “people please.” The alternate response to suppression is aggression. With sex, that typically gets expressed with a one-sided, dominant experience. That’s not to say that this type of sex can’t be pleasurable for both partners. Just that what’s underlying may be an unhealthy expression, particularly when the dominant partner isn’t really concerned or connected with the experience of the other, and is primarily focused on their own expression and desires.

Porn: Fueling the suppression/aggression dynamic

I won’t make a case for pornography being inherently bad. It may or may not be, but that isn’t my angle here. What porn absolutely is,  however, is detrimental to true sexual connection between partners. The problem with porn is that it becomes, for many, a guideline or expectation for what sex could, or should, be like. And that’s not at all based in reality. It’s quite the opposite. Porn is acting, it’s fantasy. When we fail to recognize that, it becomes problematic and reinforces both sexual suppression and aggression. If we can’t be fully and completely present and self expressed in the experience of sex because of expectation, ultimately both partners are missing out on what the experience could be like.

For men, primarily, frequenting porn or using porn as a how-to causes a tremendous disconnect when it comes to sex. An unrealistic expectation develops of how women think, act and feel about foreplay and intercourse. That expectation keeps you from being present to the cues and communication of your partner. For both men and women, the expectation to perform and be like the actors gets internalized and one’s true sexual desires and pleasures get suppressed beneath the expectation. Insecurity around meeting the expectation replaces authentic self expression of sexuality. As I mentioned before, sometimes the response to this suppression becomes aggression, which is only reinforced by the aggressive nature of quite a bit of pornography, leaving the “aggressor” none the wiser to his own sexual dysfunction and to the dysfunction being put on his partner.

Sex in Relationships

Because sex is an emotional experience for women, sex that lacks connection will often leave a woman feeling disinterested, particularly in relationships where this becomes the norm. Combine that with the insecurity/expectation dynamic and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. If a woman is consistently not getting what she wants from sex, that suppression will lead to either acceptance in the way of avoiding or refusing sex or faking orgasms to end the experience as quickly as possible. Or, alternatively, she will react with aggression, by way of proactively seeking out a source of emotional connection, be it an affair or some other way of disconnecting from the relationship and developing connection elsewhere. In essence, if you are not allowing yourself to be fully present and connected to your partner during sex, the sexual experiences and the relationship will be impacted.

For men, sex is more primal and egoistic in nature than it is for women. Vulnerability and communication is also more challenging for men. When men want something from sex, they are more likely to use the aggression approach initially and to simply take it. However, in relationships this tends to dwindle as their suppressed partner becomes disengaged. When ego is at play and facing failure or weakness, validation often takes precedence over communication, which can also lead to some form of infidelity or outward validation seeking.

When the sexual relationship starts to break down, all of the insecurities and expectations start to reinforce and perpetuate the dysfunction. Having a healthy and satisfying sex life takes an openness and willingness to communicate verbally, to be present to pleasure cues, to letting go of expectations and insecurities and to surrendering yourself to a free flowing and organic experience.

I get it. It’s a harsh world out there for singles. Things have gotten seemingly impossible on the dating front. Feminism has swept in, suppressing men in all sorts of ways. A lot of guys have responded to that with extremes. On one hand, you’ve got the guys desperate for a meaningful connection with no idea how to find it. On the other, you’ve got the fuckboys, terrified of meaningful connections and desperate for validation and attention. Social media has become a cesspool of both; the perfect outlet for hounding women by the masses, playing a numbers game in hopes of finding someone to take the bait.

It must be exhausting, guys!! Think of all the time spent inboxing all those ladies…you’d probably be halfway done with an MBA or traveled halfway across the world with that time. Maybe met a nice chick in your corporate finance class or connected with a beautiful Italian goddess on some nude beach. Instead, you sit on your couch scrolling and scrolling, messaging and messaging, hoping to find what you’re looking for https://prasethpheapfinance.com/ finance legend.

To the guys out there still swimming around in your own unresolved issues, looking for women desperate enough to fuel your constant need for attention but too insecure to ever give someone your heart, this isn’t for you. Should the time come that you find the courage to connect with your authentic self and true desire for love, reach out to me for a free consult.

For the rest of you guys, the ones really searching for that special someone to share your life with, this is for you. After hundreds of conversations with single women, I’ve created a how-to (or how-not-to) on connecting with women.

When sliding into a girl’s DM, proceed with caution. This strategy is so overused that Facebook has now created their own dating software. Women get messages like this everyday. Its unoriginal, tired and a little creepy at times. If you’re going to resort to this tactic, do it with some tact.

• Do NOT begin the conversation with “Hey gorgeous”, “Hey [insert pet name]” or any other variation of this.
• DO introduce yourself as if you were meeting her face to face.

• Do NOT compliment her on her looks. It makes you seem superficial, egotistical and, again, creepy.
• DO offer a genuine compliment that shows you’ve taken an authentic interest in her life.

• Do NOT send unsolicited photos of yourself. Not selfies, not your kids, not your car, and definitely not your junk.
• Do NOT ask her to send photos of herself to you. If you’re already creeping her social media, you’ve seen as much as you deserve as a stranger.

• Do NOT talk about sex. Or anything sexual. Don’t ask her what her favorite position is, don’t tell her you’re a freak, don’t ask her to sit on your face. Just stop.
• DO ask her what she enjoys, about her hobbies, favorite foods….clues on where to take her should you keep it cool long enough to get her to agree to meeting you. Keep the conversation light, avoid any serious topics like politics, religion, past relationships, childhood trauma, etc.

If at any point, you don’t get a response or the chick lets you know she’s not interested, move along gracefully. There’s no need to throw a temper tantrum, start insulting her or any other display of your butt-hurtness. You are not entitled to anyone’s time. She doesn’t owe you anything. Remember, you’ve been playing a numbers game all along and you know it. Next!

If, however, things are going well and she seems interested in getting to know you, there are some other things to be mindful of.

Wait, rewind. Let’s back up for just a quick sec. How do you know she’s interested in getting to know you??? If she’s engaging in the conversation, meaning thoughtful responses and reciprocal questions. If you’re getting one word answers, it’s a dead end.

Okay, back to it. Conversation is flowing between you and this lovely lady. What next? Allow me to throw you a curve ball. Ask if it’s okay to call her. WHOA, now. Remember the good old days when you had to call a girl on the phone? Well, maybe not. But it was a thing and here’s why. It’s really impossible to form an organic connection, sense real chemistry and build healthy sexual tension over a screen. Texting and messaging just doesn’t allow for all of those warm fuzzy feelings you get from looking into a person’s eyes or hearing their voice. So cut the immature, lazy crap and step up your game. Ask her if you can call her to get to know her better. If she says yes, congrats!! If she says no, refer to three paragraphs up.

So now, if you’ve made it far enough to get her phone number, kudos. You’re killing it and learning some valuable stuff along the way. Now you actually have to call her. I know, I know, it’s way scarier than sitting behind the safety of your phone screen typing. Now you’ve gotta put your communication skills to the test. Here are some tips.

• Ask questions and engage in active listening. Take in what she’s saying. It’ll help you get to know and understand her and what she’s looking for, ie. so you can provide it. (Remember that crazy time before feminism when men were considered the providers?? That doesn’t just mean money, bros. It means security, happiness, etc.)
• Don’t whine and complain about your job, finances, ex girlfriend, dog with explosive diarrhea, or anything else. Being able to bitch about life is one of the perks of a relationship, but you’re not there yet. She’s sizing you up for your character, your ability to be strong, adaptable, proactive, lead and handle shit.
• Don’t talk about yourself constantly to impress her. Instead, be vulnerable and share something personal. Authenticity breeds authenticity. Nothing makes a girl feel more safe than a guy willing to let down his guard and be real with her.
• Take the initiative and show effort. Do what you say you’ll do, don’t leave her hanging and when she agrees to go out with you, take the time to plan something that acknowledges her interests (you should have been paying attention to this!!) Hint: Don’t take her to Applebees. If she’s a vegan, find a cool vegan spot. If she says she’s always wanted to go to Paris, find a Parisian restaurant. If she’s competitive and loves sports, take her ax throwing. Make her feel special, like she isn’t just a number in the game.

Finally, if you feel like you’ve found someone special, go all in. Give up the game altogether. Stop messaging other women. Brag about her to your friends and family. Treat her right and marry her before some other poor guy behind a screen slides into her DM. ; )

It was the answer to my biggest insecurity as someone brand new to sales and recruitment. How was I supposed to convince people that I knew what I was doing, that I was going to be successful, that they could trust me to help them achieve their goals? Simple. Fake it. Until I make it. I did just that. And it worked. It really did. For awhile.

I used social media as a platform to grow my business. I made posts about every little freedom my job allowed me. I shared about how rapidly my team was growing. I posted about all of the wonderful aspects of this job and all of the opportunity it created, for someone who was successful in doing it, which wasn’t me quite yet. But it did work. People saw my excitement, my commitment and my faith in what I was doing and they joined it. It really didn’t take that long before I was actually successful.

The fake-it-til-you-make-it approach worked so well that I started teaching it to my team. Well, not just teaching. Perhaps more like preaching. It became part of my training model. I expected new team members to make these types of posts regularly because, if they wanted to be successful, this concept worked. And it worked relatively quickly.

What I didn’t realize until much later is that faking it doesn’t actually work at all. Why? Because it’s a lie. It’s inauthentic. It’s not sustainable. Sure, I did find actual success by faking it in the beginning. But in the process, I lost part of myself. I became this other version of myself on social media, and even beyond. I was no longer able to clearly distinguish what was part of the lie and what wasn’t. I felt a constant need to uphold an image, an ideal of what life was like, in order to attract people to what I was doing. It was draining. Eventually I started to disengage from my business because I had come to feel so inauthentic about who I was being. I didn’t want to do it anymore. And I didn’t know any other way to do my job.

After some time “off”, a lot of personal development and time soul searching, I realized that there was another way. A better way. I decided to start fresh and make it until I made it. 

Confusing? Maybe a little. Let me explain. I just realized that instead of pretending to be this or that, I just had to start making my life the way I wanted it to be until it was the way I wanted it to be. It’s simple, really. Just get to work. Start creating. Start doing. Start being.

“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” -Buddha

When I adopted this new approach to my businesses, and to my life, I found a completely new kind of freedom. A freedom in being fully present to the passion and purpose behind my goals. Having access to that created the space for so much more success and possibility. Perhaps more importantly, that methodology has allowed me to be wholly at peace with where I am at any stage, with any endeavor while feeling completely empowered to design my life as I want. That is true freedom.

If you are struggling to find clarity, direction or power in any area of your life, I would love the opportunity to help. Fill out this form for a free consult.